Tapping debit card best way to get our attention, say barmaids

BARMAIDS have confirmed that repeatedly tapping your debit card on the counter is the best way to get their attention.

The light, incessant drumming fought off stiff competition from sleazy hollering, exaggerated sighing and a £20 note thrust in the face.

Barmaid Nikki Hollis said: “Even in a crowded bar on a Saturday night with the footie on, the rhythmic rapping of a debit can still be clearly heard by the bar staff. It’s like magic.

“Hitting a plastic payment card on a wooden or laminate counter is very much the thinking man’s version of clicking your fingers.

“Just one look at that EMV chip or contactless payment symbol bouncing off the bar and I know I’m dealing with a sophisticated customer who can’t afford to wait for their pint of watery booze and packet of scampi fries.

“Give it a go the next time you’re struggling to get a round in.”

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How to be poor on £80,000 a year

ARE you in the top five per cent of the earning population but need to convince everyone you’re struggling to make ends meet? Here’s how: 

Misunderstand tax rates

Deliberately have no grasp on how your income is taxed and then use that misinformation to attack a political manifesto on Question Time. Conveniently overlook the fact that Labour policies will only leave you out of pocket to the tune of £21 per month, you tight sod.

Have no idea what other people earn

Doctors must be earning heaps more than your IT consultancy wage because they’re actually doing something worthwhile, right? And if they’re rich you must be poor because that’s how the economy works.

Compare yourself to royalty

Ignore the sizeable chunk of the population that relies on food banks and instead consider how hard done by you are in comparison to the Royal Family. While they swan about in castles and palaces, you have to make do with scraping around in your second home in St Ives.

Look at what £80K could buy you in Victorian times

Eighty grand is a pittance in 2019, but in the 1800s it could’ve bought you Wales or a flat in zone 1. This might not be entirely true, but it’s the sort of thing common sense expert and man of the people Jacob Rees-Mogg would say.