The smug prick who didn't drink last night, and other people you'd like to wish a shitty new year

KNACKERED, hungover and miserable after a mammoth drinking session last night? Here are the sober bastards you’d like to wish a very horrible new year.

The smug prick who didn’t drink last night

Be they a friend, your partner or the neighbour who laughs at your hungover face through the window when they return from a run at 8am, they’re a self-satisfied bastard for choosing not to start 2023 feeling like reheated shit. Tell them to piss off and go back to bed.

Your children

Fine, it’s illegal for them to drink until they vomit, but do they have to be so boisterously joyful about it? It’s taken you 15 minutes to shakily make a cup of tea and in that time they’ve trashed the living room by turning it into a fort and are now demanding a trip to the park. You long for the teenage years when they refuse to get up until 1pm.

Your neighbour who does DIY every Bank Holiday

Even with a mild hangover the last thing you want is Terry from over the back fence deciding to get cracking on his shed extension and noisily wielding an angle grinder at 6am. You feel some sympathy because of his recent acrimonious divorce, but you also want to punch him in the face.

Your boss

You’re not back at work for another two days yet the spectre of your line manager is already haunting your thoughts. You know he’ll make this year as miserable as the last, and even now he’s ruining your time off by making you anxious. Your hope for 2023 is that he falls down an open manhole and has to take six months off sick. Actually make that ‘gets eaten by rats’.

The bastard who suggests going out drinking again

You are full of paranoia and depression after your session last night, so when your mate texts and asks if you fancy a hair of the dog your initial reaction is to tell them to leave you to suffer in peace. However, your only other option is watching The Sound of Music with the irritating wholesome von Trapps, so you reluctantly agree and end up plastered again.

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Head hurt

HEAD hurt, head throb, skull f**king splitting in two being hacked at with rusty axe, nation confirms.

Had fun? Can’t remember fun. Only pain. Jelly in synapses. Concrete in sinuses. Great big angry rat twatting about the cranium.

Pulsating mass of pain Donna Sheridan said: “Why. Why God why. Headless horseman? Lucky bastard.

“Fuzzy mouth. Teeth crust. Decomposing into pillow. Duvet prosecco shivery moist stink. Pringle crumbs in sheets. Bathroom floor husband.

“Little sicky burps. Spit acid like alien from Alien. Who left Gaviscon bottle empty? My kingdom for a bastard Rennie.

“Domino’s Man, sweet lovely hero gorgeous. Save us please. Bring the sweaty cardboard of life. Help me Obi-Wan you’re my only hope.

“Never again. Never again. Never, ever again. Dry January? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”