Thrilled pub-goers all to be unconscious by 3pm

THIRSTY souls who charge out for their first pub binge in months on Saturday will be unconscious by mid-afternoon, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that with their match-fitness for all-day boozing eroded, most drinkers will be out for the count after just a few hours, frequently in parks on their way home.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who think coronavirus is magically over tomorrow are also the sort of people who imagine they can maintain a pace of three pints an hour right through till Monday morning.

“They are in for a shock. It’s one thing to sink eight cans in front of the TV of an evening wondering what all the fuss about Breaking Bad was about.

“It’s quite another to take on the physical challenge of consuming that alcohol while bellowing and guffawing in a circle of mates on a hot day in a pub garden. It’ll be like Tough Mudding for someone who hasn’t exercised for a decade.

“Anyone concerned about disturbances of the peace on Saturday night shouldn’t be. All you’ll hear is the loud snoring of fools across the country, then pathetic whimpering as they wake up with the hangover of a lifetime.”

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Your guide to the government's horrible, overpriced new-build homes

BORIS Johnson has promised to ‘build build build’ more affordable homes, which are bound to be tiny new flats you still can’t afford. Here’s what property developers have in mind.

Incredibly cramped and tiny

People unfairly malign the dimensions of new-build flats. There’s probably enough room to swing a cat in the minuscule living room. But don’t try it unless you hate your cat.

Unbearable marketing blurb

The new-build flat must be in ‘an exclusive, well-situated development of just 22 luxury apartments boasting spacious amenity areas’. Yeah, it’s some flats with a tiny patch of lawn next to a dodgy estate. The duck pond was just artistic licence in the brochure.

Unnerving quantities of similar flats for sale nearby

Nothing says ‘good investment’ like block after block of empty new-build flats in incongruous locations, possibly the result of Malaysian investors being duped into thinking Luton is central London.

Shiny fixtures

Kitchens must be aggressively shiny to reflect light and give the illusion of space. Floors must also be shiny because there’s no way property developers are going to put in priceless luxury items like carpet. Who do you think you are, Elizabeth Taylor? 

Startlingly overpriced

Of course it’s reasonable to charge £579,950 for a two-bed flat. Cheap internal fittings don’t come cheap, you know. Hang on, yes they do. But the glossy marketing for this cost a fortune. The brochure is practically a beautiful coffee table book, although not actually true.

Not actually finished yet

Only a real nitpicker would expect the flat to have actually been built yet. That would take away the uncertainty and sense of risk that makes buying a property so exciting and enjoyable.