Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

Carolyn Ryan has been trying to maintain standards, but has now conceded defeat after a barrage of American English from her two young daughters.

Ryan said: “Every conversation with my kids is, ‘Can we watch a movie? And can I have some candy? Or a cupcake with frosting?’

“At first you firmly say, ‘No, but you can watch a film with some sweets, or a fairy cake with icing’. But then they don’t understand you.

“It’s a losing battle. I managed to get them to stop saying ‘pants’ meaning trousers briefly, but yesterday the oldest one upped her game by saying she’d ‘got smarts’. I almost threw up.

“You can keep banging on about proper English but they’ll just think you’ve lost it and tell you about their friend’s mum who has, apparently, ‘gotten therapy’. So I’ve given up.”

After being interrupted by her daughter Daisy, Ryan added: “Quit bugging me. Let’s go to the store for cookies. Put your sneakers on.”

Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?

IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

How do you like to spend Saturday mornings?

A) A lie-in with my partner, followed by sex that is both enjoyable and cements our relationship.
B) Buying 400 tealights.

What is your idea of a good meal?

A) A roast with all the trimmings, a nice creamy vegetarian lasagne or a juicy steak.
B) Cold fish balls in a cardboard box.

If you were offered the opportunity, which of these activities would you prefer?

A) Drinking champagne on a yacht.
B) Walking for about six miles through an endless maze of bland Scandinavian interiors, carefully writing down long numbers, unsure if the experience will ever end or if this is Hades.

How would you build a house?

A) I would employ professionals to do that.
B) I would buy 35,000 bricks in cardboard boxes and cement in a different box then assemble it myself with wooden pegs to hold it together as my partner, afraid of my rising homicidal anger, leaves me.

What is the ultimate meaning of life?

A) A philosophical question like this cannot be addressed without lengthy reference to the works of Kant and Wittgenstein.
B) A £17 coffee table.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are not hopelessly addicted to Ikea like some sort of furniture-obsessed junkie.

Mostly Bs: You are tragically obsessed with Ikea, and may contract the coronavirus because of it. But they do make very affordable Bjursta extendable dining tables.