Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

Carolyn Ryan has been trying to maintain standards, but has now conceded defeat after a barrage of American English from her two young daughters.

Ryan said: “Every conversation with my kids is, ‘Can we watch a movie? And can I have some candy? Or a cupcake with frosting?’

“At first you firmly say, ‘No, but you can watch a film with some sweets, or a fairy cake with icing’. But then they don’t understand you.

“It’s a losing battle. I managed to get them to stop saying ‘pants’ meaning trousers briefly, but yesterday the oldest one upped her game by saying she’d ‘got smarts’. I almost threw up.

“You can keep banging on about proper English but they’ll just think you’ve lost it and tell you about their friend’s mum who has, apparently, ‘gotten therapy’. So I’ve given up.”

After being interrupted by her daughter Daisy, Ryan added: “Quit bugging me. Let’s go to the store for cookies. Put your sneakers on.”

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I have never met Prince Andrew, says Queen

THE Queen has issued an official statement denying that she has ever met disgraced former trade envoy Prince Andrew. 

Her Majesty issued the statement after the arrest of one of Andrew’s friends and business associates, Ghislaine Maxwell, to ensure no genuine Royals were linked to the scandal. 

She said: “Though I am aware of the so-called ‘Duke of York’, a man of such proven bad character is not somebody a head of state can afford to be associated with. 

“While we have, from time to time, attended the same social events and weddings, I have always assiduously avoided any contact with him and we have certainly never spoken. 

“Some commentators have pointed out that, on a date in 1960, he exited my womb via my cervix. On that occasion I may have wished him well on his departure. 

“But I certainly had no part in his childhood. He attended a boarding school and I believe subsequently joined the army in an attempt to give direction to his aimless waste of a life.

“I join the nation in hoping that the US authorities are able to speak to him soon. And if I never hear about that ex of his Sarah Ferguson again it will be too soon.”