Virtual drinks give man very real hangover

A MAN who drank with mates in a ‘virtual pub’ has woken up with a very real hangover.

Tom Booker, who downed lager with friends over Zoom to pass the time during the coronavirus lockdown, was baffled to emerge from his sleep with a splitting headache and the urge to vomit copiously.

Booker said: “Everything about the pub was virtual, which means not real. Virtual drinks, virtual pub, and even virtual connections with some of my virtual friends.

“So how come after drinking nine pints of Carlsberg whilst naked from the waist down, I have the overwhelming urge to crawl into my toilet and die?

“It’s as if I was actually just drinking an excessive amount of alcohol on my own in my flat, and the normal side effects of excess unit consumption still apply.

“Although, now I think about it the beers weren’t virtual, I bought them from the corner shop on my one trip outside. They were tangible and delicious, but now I never want to drink again, virtually or not.”

Booker later learned that he has been barred from the virtual pub for making inappropriate remarks to the virtual barmaid.

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How to reject online invites when everyone knows you're always at home

VIDEO conferencing means it’s easy to feel close to the ones you’re missing. But what about the ones you’re not missing, who are constantly inviting you to hang out online? Here are five fail-safe excuses to dodge them.

Wi-fi problems

There’s no chance of attending Jan’s virtual pub quiz when your router’s on the blink, is there? Absolutely gutted to miss your geography round, Jan, that sounds great.

Preparing for your online Spanish class

The lockdown is no excuse for letting your brain turn to mush. Duck out of the Zoom work night in arranged by your most annoying colleague by saying you have homework, even though your Spanish class is a lie and you’re actually watching repeats of Midsomer Murders.

Deep cleaning

Whilst your friends know you usually live in a total shit tip, they’ll believe that you’ve finally got round to giving the house a clean in the face of a global pandemic, even if all you’ve actually done is straighten a few cushions and chuck that three-year-old washing up brush away.

Cooking commitments

These are the days of batch cooking and that just-in-case jambalaya isn’t going to prepare itself. Keeping your family alive is your first priority, so sadly there can be no Housepartying with that old school acquaintance you hadn’t thought of in decades.

Children

If you’re having to endure the company of children, the least they can do is give you a viable excuse for missing a night in the virtual pub with your brother-in-law. Invent tantrums, homework assignments and feeding requirements as needed.