LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time:
‘I was here first’
When you’re queueing at a bar, every other person there is an obstacle getting between you and your next Hoegaarden. They must be eliminated. Sharpen your elbows and proclaim to everyone that you were there first, actually. The bartender, who’s always listening, will admire your eagerness, trust you implicitly and serve you next.
If you see someone getting served ahead of you, there’s nothing more effective than loudly tutting. The miscreant will shrink back in shame, the barstaff will take note, and you will be remembered as a humble servant of justice. Especially effective in bars blasting out Megan Thee Stallion at 80 decibels.
Wave your debit card
Like the T-rex, a bartender’s senses are attuned to movement. They’re physically unable to see anyone who’s just calmly standing at the bar, still and waiting. It’s crucial to frenziedly wave your bank card like a twat to kick them into gear – and remember, the cooler and more exclusive your card, the faster you’ll be served.
Tapping your foot
Aggressively tapping your foot is a brilliant way to remind any service industry employee that your time is worth more than theirs. They’ll be overcome with remorse for keeping someone as important as you waiting. Allay their fears by saying ‘No need to apologise. Two Kronenbourg and a packet of chilli nuts, please.’
Complaining about the service
What to do if there’s one stressed lone employee fending off dozens of customers crowding the bar? Audibly complain about what a poor job they’re doing. Surely any barman should be able to simultaneously make 13 complicated cocktails while pouring a Guiness and uncorking wine. Constructive criticism is the only way they’ll improve.