Wave your debit card: the wanker's guide to getting served at the bar

LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time: 

‘I was here first’

When you’re queueing at a bar, every other person there is an obstacle getting between you and your next Hoegaarden. They must be eliminated. Sharpen your elbows and proclaim to everyone that you were there first, actually. The bartender, who’s always listening, will admire your eagerness, trust you implicitly and serve you next.


If you see someone getting served ahead of you, there’s nothing more effective than loudly tutting. The miscreant will shrink back in shame, the barstaff will take note, and you will be remembered as a humble servant of justice. Especially effective in bars blasting out Megan Thee Stallion at 80 decibels.

Wave your debit card

Like the T-rex, a bartender’s senses are attuned to movement. They’re physically unable to see anyone who’s just calmly standing at the bar, still and waiting. It’s crucial to frenziedly wave your bank card like a twat to kick them into gear – and remember, the cooler and more exclusive your card, the faster you’ll be served.

Tapping your foot

Aggressively tapping your foot is a brilliant way to remind any service industry employee that your time is worth more than theirs. They’ll be overcome with remorse for keeping someone as important as you waiting. Allay their fears by saying ‘No need to apologise. Two Kronenbourg and a packet of chilli nuts, please.’

Complaining about the service

What to do if there’s one stressed lone employee fending off dozens of customers crowding the bar? Audibly complain about what a poor job they’re doing. Surely any barman should be able to simultaneously make 13 complicated cocktails while pouring a Guiness and uncorking wine. Constructive criticism is the only way they’ll improve.

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Gove, Rees-Mogg, Patel: shag, marry, avoid? Five questions Truss and Sunak should be asked tonight

POSSIBLE prime ministers Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak go head to head tonight on ITV. These are the questions they should be asked: 

Gove, Rees-Mogg, Patel: snog, marry, avoid?

The quickest insight into anyone’s personality is a game of shag, marry, avoid. Especially when presented with horrific options. Nobody comes out of this question a winner, not least the audience who may end up picturing Rees-Mogg’s segmented, insectile cock, or Truss locked in a loveless marriage to Priti Patel.

What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?

Once a zany icebreaker for students, now a pertinent topic of great national importance. It’s coming, so how do Sunak and Truss plan to combat hordes of the undead roaming Britain hungry for brains? As with every question, their answer will invariably involve lowering taxes.

What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?

Theresa May walked into this gotcha question like an idiot and provided the dullest answer possible. Nobody wanted to ask Boris. Perhaps Truss and Sunak will be caught off guard and let slip ‘large scale tax evasion’ or ‘I’m a Chinese agent in deep cover’ or ‘hunting vagrants for sport’.

Would you rather have lobster claws for hands or flippers for feet?

Televised debates are dull as f**k. A quick round of ‘would you rather’ will engage the public imagination, especially if it’s devoid of political substance. Just like Brexit, the question will split the country into two warring factions, although unlike Brexit there are benefits on both sides of the argument.

How many times did you catch Johnson on the job?

It’s fine, he’s on the way out, they can talk about the times they caught Big Dog furiously banging away in the corridors of power without fear of repercussion. A ballpark figure will do. More or less than 100 times? Jesus, that many? And with Carrie every time? Actually, scratch that last one, no point wasting the viewer’s time with questions we already know the answer to.