WETHERSPOONS has advised the UK that a national network of warm banks is already up and running in your town for a low, low price.
With below-freezing temperatures expected this week, the chain has confirmed that you can stay all day for the price of a few pints, lifelong alcoholism and your self-respect.
Manager Jack Browne said: “We’re waiting for you. We’ve always been waiting for you. Ready for when it got bad enough.
“Have we got wi-fi? Probably. Have we got charging points? I dunno, have a look. Have we got the heating on, empty tables and chairs, and an offer of two pitchers for £13.50? Definitely.
“Call it a co-working space if you have to. Put on a Zoom background so nobody knows you’re attending from The Henry Shrapnel. There’s no music. Nobody will ever know you’re here.
“Look at all your fellow warm bank users and how toasty they are! They’re not worrying about bills. Not anymore. Soon you’ll be just like them.”
Freelance copywriter Carolyn Ryan said: “All these people are fellow professionals making sensible, thrifty decisions like I am. And they’re drinking in the morning, so I can.”