What 'a couple of pints' means: A man and woman's perspective

NOBODY believes it when they say they are only going for ‘a couple of pints’. But this common lie means very different things to men and women.

The venue

For men, a couple of pints will usually take place in the nearest, cheapest pub that isn’t playing shit music unbearably loud. Meanwhile women will be sitting at home wondering how late their partner is going to get home this time and how f**ked just a couple of pints are going to make them. With a glass of wine in hand, they arguably have the better evening.

The people

A man will text his wife that he’s just out with a couple of colleagues and won’t be long. Bullshit. All his mates are there, including that dodgy one who keeps trying to get him into crypto. And a fit female friend who strangely goes unmentioned. A woman could host an orgy for all the difference it makes. She’ll never be asked what she’s been up to.

The number of pints

Men will stick to the company line of a couple of pints. Couple meaning two and no more than two. If they keep repeating this blatant lie then they hope to convince themselves that it’s true, which is the first step to selling it when they get home steaming drunk. By conducting a simple breath test, women will be able to accurately deduce the truth of 12 pints.

The time taken

Two pints should take no more than an hour and a half, maximum. So how come men usually stay out until the early hours? It’s because they’ve stopped for a bite to eat, then they got lost, and then they had to help their friend find his lost phone, apparently. Women will see right through this bullshit and know that they stayed in the pub until last orders then sat in the park with some cans.

The aftermath

A man will wake up in a state of hungover confusion. How could he end up like this after drinking a mere two pints? It defies scientific logic. A woman on the other hand will be happily breezing around the house, content in the knowledge that her predictions were entirely accurate. She was even bang on about the number of dry heaves.

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Dad realises the only reason he's been brought on holiday is to carry the bag everywhere

IT has dawned on a father that his family has only invited him on holiday so he can lug their stuff everywhere like a pack mule.

Stephen Malley thought his wife and children included him in their trip to Spain because they love him, but is starting to suspect they only tolerate his presence for his relatively broad shoulders and strong back.

He said: “If they’re not asking me to ‘hold this’ or ‘carry that’ I’m dead to them. Meanwhile they’re free to scamper around ahead of me and explore the Mediterranean coast without a care in the world.

“On the rare occasions they do interact with me, it’s only to spin me around so they can grab their hats or sun cream from the side pockets. It’s not really me they want, it’s the bag and the many splendid delights it contains. I am nothing, I am nobody.

“Maybe I’m being pessimistic. They also let me drive everywhere and pay for everything, and I’m always the one who ends up trying to interact with the locals even though I barely speak their language.

“If that’s not a sign your family values your company, I don’t know what is.”

Wife Francesca said: “Stephen? Sorry, I don’t know who you mean. We refer to our bag carrier as ‘The Help’ for the duration of the holiday. It’s a lovely family bonding experience.”