Friday, 14th May 2021

Which politicians would actually be a laugh down the pub?

FROM Farage to Johnson, British politics is awash with politicians whose popularity is based on the spurious notion they would be good company over a pint. But would they? 

Boris Johnson

Has spent most of his political career planning this pub trip, but doesn’t seem at all prepared. As Jennifer Arcuri revealed, he’ll arrive without enough cash to buy a round and will then go on to cadge fags, order a meal he’ll definitely pay you back for and then simply f**k off while you are at the bar, leaving you holding two pints.

Sir Keir Starmer

Broadly supports the decision to order a Peroni, but ‘would have done it much sooner’. Drily participates in classic pub debates like Maradona v Pele while attempting to agree with everyone on all sides. Unable to understand why this doesn’t result in everyone being his mate.

Rishi Sunak

Really friendly, really nice, gets all the drinks in, generously pays for two rounds of shots for everyone, just keeps saying ‘don’t worry, you’ll all pay me back later’ which becomes gradually more sinister.

Nicola Sturgeon

Pub bore best avoided because every conversation comes back to the one topic of her upcoming divorce and how bloody great her life will be afterwards. Puts the Scotch away like there’s no tomorrow.

Matt Hancock

Cheats on the pub quiz by texting his mate the landlord for the answers. When confronted he points at a picture of Captain Tom then runs off.

Nigel Farage

Has only ever visited a pub for publicity, because he’s a privately-educated former stockbroker who’s spent most of his life working in Brussels. Looks confused when no cameras or reporters arrive. Tries to go behind the bar to pull his own pint and is asked to leave.