Which politicians would actually be a laugh down the pub?

FROM Farage to Johnson, British politics is awash with politicians whose popularity is based on the spurious notion they would be good company over a pint. But would they? 

Boris Johnson

Has spent most of his political career planning this pub trip, but doesn’t seem at all prepared. As Jennifer Arcuri revealed, he’ll arrive without enough cash to buy a round and will then go on to cadge fags, order a meal he’ll definitely pay you back for and then simply f**k off while you are at the bar, leaving you holding two pints.

Sir Keir Starmer

Broadly supports the decision to order a Peroni, but ‘would have done it much sooner’. Drily participates in classic pub debates like Maradona v Pele while attempting to agree with everyone on all sides. Unable to understand why this doesn’t result in everyone being his mate.

Rishi Sunak

Really friendly, really nice, gets all the drinks in, generously pays for two rounds of shots for everyone, just keeps saying ‘don’t worry, you’ll all pay me back later’ which becomes gradually more sinister.

Nicola Sturgeon

Pub bore best avoided because every conversation comes back to the one topic of her upcoming divorce and how bloody great her life will be afterwards. Puts the Scotch away like there’s no tomorrow.

Matt Hancock

Cheats on the pub quiz by texting his mate the landlord for the answers. When confronted he points at a picture of Captain Tom then runs off.

Nigel Farage

Has only ever visited a pub for publicity, because he’s a privately-educated former stockbroker who’s spent most of his life working in Brussels. Looks confused when no cameras or reporters arrive. Tries to go behind the bar to pull his own pint and is asked to leave.

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Man returns to gym to flex his smugness

A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.

After a lockdown spent exercising in parks and on Instagram, Jack Browne was first in line to get back into his gym and start proudly curling his biceps in front of full-length mirrors.

Browne said: “The first day back is always the hardest, but I reckon I can take a few dozen pouting selfies while lounging on a rowing machine without even breaking a sweat.

“Once more people get here I’ll slather essential oils into my muscles then make thunderous grunts as I slam down some weights so everyone knows that I’m working out. Occasionally I’ll shout ‘Yes!’ like successes do.

“For a warm down I’ll share my achievements on social media in forensic detail so nobody outside the gym feels like they’re missing out. It’s probably a real confidence boost to hear that I’ve been pumping iron since the crack of dawn.

“Then it’s just a case of swaggering around the changing room naked for a few minutes and getting some rest before doing it all again tomorrow.”