Why alcohol is actually fantastic

A study has found that alcohol can significantly shorten your life, at which point millions of Britons said “Fine with me!”

But while it’s easy to look at the negative effects of drinking, what are the benefits? Read our guide.  

Most conversations are intolerably boring without alcohol. It’s fine being sober if you happen to be friends with wits like Stephen Fry, but listening to your mate Dave telling you about resurfacing his drive definitely requires those eight pints of Stella.

Copping off with people. While sober it is extremely difficult to approach someone and say ‘Hello, I find you sexually attractive. Would you like to start kissing me?’. But when you are shitfaced it just seems to happen. The only plausible explanation is some form of ‘alcohol magic’.

Alcohol aids exercise. Going to the gym while plastered can hugely increase your performance. You can run for miles on the treadmill and those heavy, intimidating weights are no problem because you can’t feel the pain. You may wish to die the next day but that’s the price of being healthy.

Booze leads to exciting adventures. All manner of unusual things happen when you’re pissed, usually late at night. You might find yourself yourself in a Goth club or talking to a strange man on the Tube who claims he was in the SAS. Note: If you find yourself in a zoo enclosure being stalked by a panther that may be a sign to cut down a bit.

Spiritual enlightenment. Buddhist monks spend decades meditating in order to reach a transcendent state. However getting totally sloshed in a pleasant pub will also make you feel remarkably at one with the universe. Especially if you have a gourmet burger.

Alcohol prevents society collapsing. Alcohol is an integral part of many activities that form the fabric of society. Does anyone seriously think you’re going to turn up to their wedding just for a slice of cake? Fuck that.

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Dictionaries give up and add second 'o' to 'lose'

DICTIONARIES have admitted defeat and announced that from now on ‘lose’ will be spelt ‘loose’.

The move follows the apparent inability of the entire English-speaking world to spell a simple four-letter word correctly, and is a profound humiliation for Western civilisation.

Oxford English Dictionary editor Julian Cook said: “You cannot win a battle against 300 million illiterate idiots. You can only loose.

“We’ve fought bravely to defend intellectual standards and educate people that ‘loose’ is already an actual word with a specific meaning but they weren’t having it.

“It means ‘not tight’, by the way.

“Ultimately language is owned by its users, even if they are pillocks. So from now on, ‘lose’ is spelt ‘loose’. And we are all the loosers.”

Emma Bradford of Hitchin said: “It really annoys me when people say ‘specifically’ when they actually mean ‘pacifically’. Fix that next.”