Teenager obsessed with phone battery has f**k all worth communicating

A TEENAGER monitors his phone battery closely in case anyone should miss out on his extremely unimportant thoughts.

14-year-old Tom Logan gets anxious if his battery level dips below 80% in case the world fails to receive information like ‘Got some new Nike Air Max’ and ‘U c walking dead?? woah’.

Logan’s mum Nikki said: “You’d think he was some sort of guru or world leader sharing great wisdom with his followers. I don’t think he is.

“Yesterday he insisted on charging his phone in the car, even though it meant we couldn’t plug in the satnav. When I looked over his shoulder later he was just posting some cheesy stock image of a man with a woman looking at another woman.

“When I asked him about it he just rolled his eyes and went to his room. Was that worth us getting lost for two hours and ending up in Aldershot?”

Logan’s other important phone activities include watching other people play violent video games, making exactly the same social plans every weekend and participating in potentially fatal ‘challenges’.

Logan said: “If I hadn’t been on my phone just now I wouldn’t have found out that Liam is eating a cheeseburger.”

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Britons getting wankered on caffeine before going to coffee shops

THE high price of lattes and mochas is causing Britons to ‘pre-load’ on coffee at home before going to cafes.

Increasing numbers of people are choosing to drink several pints of cheap instant coffee before going to a coffee shop then making a couple of Americanos last all afternoon.

Student Tom Booker said: “Me and my friends drink two litres of Asda Smart Price instant before going to Starbucks. That way we can enjoy the wanky coffee shop ‘vibe’ but hardly spend anything.

“The only danger is if you overdo it. In Costa yesterday all Emma’s limbs were twitching uncontrollably and she spent an hour repeating the same sentence about muffins.

“Then there was the time Dan thought he’d made brilliant progress on his screenplay, but it turned out he’d just typed the word ‘screenplay’ 80,000 times.”

Public health expert Dr Mary Fisher said: “This is a worrying trend as coffee shops are already full of idiots jabbering about nothing after too many espressos.

“If someone is having a coffee overdose you should take them to the nearest pub and make them drink seven pints of strong lager. It’s the only the responsible thing to do.”