Friday, 22nd January 2021

Woman finally reaches maturity after moving from Frosties to bran flakes

A WOMAN has reached a major milestone in her life after purchasing a box of bran flakes instead of a childish breakfast cereal containing a toy.

Hannah Tomlinson, 32, has exclusively eaten sugar-coated cereals her whole life, but decided to make the switch after her dentist told her she would be a toothless old crone by the time she reached 40.

Tomlinson said: “Growing older is just a continual process of being told by medical professionals to give up the things you enjoy.

“I’m now eating bran, which is apparently full of fibre. They don’t bother with taste as the entire selling point is keeping your bowel movements regular. Tony the Tiger didn’t give a f**k about my bowel movements and that’s how it should be.

“Still, no one’s ever getting me to give up Blue WKD as my drink of choice. Luckily there are zero healthy choices when it comes to getting pissed.”