ARE today’s youths wasting their youth not getting wasted? How will they build up the necessary alcohol tolerance for their middle years? Roy Hobbs investigates.
Kids these days can’t take their drink. Half of them don’t even bother. By 14 I was outside the off-licence bribing any passing adult to buy me Merrydown, and by 16 I was a pub regular.
But today’s kids? They’d rather TikTok on Roboblox than feel the good, healthy buzz of passing a bottle of Thunderbird around in the park. They stay in livechatting rather than shoplift Skol, and it’s a bloody shame.
Smoking’s worse. The youth now won’t go near 20 Superkings. They’re puffing away on cannabis. All fine when you’re young and know dealers, but try getting hold of an eighth when you’re 43 in a new-build on the outskirts of Derby. Meanwhile they sell booze in shops.
Why aren’t they out? Why aren’t they thronging pubs and spilling out of nightclubs? Why is it almost safe to go for a kebab at 1am? It’s not the money. There was no minimum wage in my day. I earned £2.50 an hour working nights and still blew the lot on drink.
Worried about climate change and house prices? I’ve got an answer for you – get pissed. Concerns melt away in alcohol. I should know, I grew up in Manchester under Thatcher.
If they won’t do it voluntarily? Give them no choice. A National Drinking Programme beginning at 18. Lunchtimes, weeknights and every weekend. There’s nothing like going to work with a soul-crushing hangover and spending the whole day trying not to vomit to make a man out of you.
To be young is to get pissed. That’s British values. Get shitfaced, and the first one’s on me.
