Young people: are they drunk enough? A middle-aged investigation

ARE today’s youths wasting their youth not getting wasted? How will they build up the necessary alcohol tolerance for their middle years? Roy Hobbs investigates.

Kids these days can’t take their drink. Half of them don’t even bother. By 14 I was outside the off-licence bribing any passing adult to buy me Merrydown, and by 16 I was a pub regular.

But today’s kids? They’d rather TikTok on Roboblox than feel the good, healthy buzz of passing a bottle of Thunderbird around in the park. They stay in livechatting rather than shoplift Skol, and it’s a bloody shame.

Smoking’s worse. The youth now won’t go near 20 Superkings. They’re puffing away on cannabis. All fine when you’re young and know dealers, but try getting hold of an eighth when you’re 43 in a new-build on the outskirts of Derby. Meanwhile they sell booze in shops.

Why aren’t they out? Why aren’t they thronging pubs and spilling out of nightclubs? Why is it almost safe to go for a kebab at 1am? It’s not the money. There was no minimum wage in my day. I earned £2.50 an hour working nights and still blew the lot on drink.

Worried about climate change and house prices? I’ve got an answer for you – get pissed. Concerns melt away in alcohol. I should know, I grew up in Manchester under Thatcher.

If they won’t do it voluntarily? Give them no choice. A National Drinking Programme beginning at 18. Lunchtimes, weeknights and every weekend. There’s nothing like going to work with a soul-crushing hangover and spending the whole day trying not to vomit to make a man out of you.

To be young is to get pissed. That’s British values. Get shitfaced, and the first one’s on me.

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Woman finally has enough dick pics for game of Top Trumps

A WOMAN has finally collected enough dick pics from Tinder for a game of Top Trumps.

The unsolicited penile portraits have been assigned ratings for Length, Girth, Hygiene, Sheer Laughability and The Ick to make a fun game for women aged between 18 and 80 to enjoy.

Jo Kramer, aged 29, said: “Why let them go to waste, I thought, when you can get a few chuckles out of this relentless cavalcade of off-putting members?

“You might think you’ve got everyone beaten with an especially gross, drooping one then your mate comes in with something so small and crooked it looks like a shrivelled mushroom at the back of the vegetable drawer.

“Or you’ve got a lengthy one you feel can beat all-comers and get totally trumped with a schlong so large it looks like a gardening implement and could clearly never get properly hard.

“They’ve all got the owners’ names on, because why the f**k not, and I’m going into commercial production, because why the f**k not. What are they going to do, sue and let everyone put a face to the cock?”

She added: “How long did it take me to get enough for a full pack? Five days.”