'One adult for the Mario Movie' says history's saddest bastard

THE biggest loser in the planet’s history has asked for one adult ticket to see the new Mario movie, it has emerged.

Tom Booker entered the record books as the most tragic failure to have ever lived after purchasing a ticket to see The Super Mario Bros. Movie on the big screen all by himself.

Cinema cashier Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s not often you witness history in the making at this job. But I already know Tom will be forever remembered as mankind’s most monumental embarrassment.

“As he approached the counter I thought his wife and kids must be in the loo. After all, only the most pathetic human specimens would think nothing of going to watch a lame CGI children’s film on their own.

“When the truth dawned on me I didn’t know whether to be amazed or to point and laugh in his face. I don’t care if the film’s not actually as bad as all the critics are saying, going to see it solo is still socially unacceptable. I made sure to tell him that as he paid.”

The man previously believed to be the world’s saddest bastard, stamp-collecting Whovian bassoon player Martin Bishop said: “All my hard work has been for nothing. There’s no way I can compete with Tom.”

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Six disasters that would be blamed on wokeness if they happened today

EVERYTHING that’s wrong nowadays is blamed on wokeness, so maybe it’s time to start re-evaluating historical issues too. Like these:

The Great Fire of London

Building houses out of wood and baking bread at home is exactly the sort of thing middle-class eco-warriors like to do, so there must have been loads of them around in the 17th century. Plus, namby-pamby snowflakes like Samuel Pepys were too busy journalling about their feelings to attempt putting it out.

The destruction of the Library of Alexandria

Historians say this was down to Julius Caesar accidentally torching it during his war against General Pompey, but it’s far more likely that it was a false flag attack by cultural Marxists intent on removing books they didn’t like from circulation. Probably ones they thought were racist and sexist, like The Famous Five.

The Black Death

Those sheeple peasants were too busy being woke to rise up and condemn the plague for what it really was: a plandemic arranged by the New World Order, which existed even back then. How could 200 million people worldwide perish without anyone being suspicious? It wasn’t down to a deadly bacterium, it was instigated by the villainous abacus inventor Sir William Gates.

The Titanic

Did you know the captain of the Titanic didn’t steer the ship out of the way because he was afraid of offending the iceberg? And that they only provided lifeboats to the rich passengers because otherwise the woke mob would have said they were racists for assuming working-class Irish people couldn’t swim? That’s the truth, but you won’t see it in the liberal Hollywood elite whitewash film.

The eruption of Mount Vesuvius

Historians argue that the citizens of Pompeii were caught out because they didn’t know that Vesuvius was an active volcano. What actually happened is that a woman who mentioned that the summit was looking a bit smoky today was accused of performing a micro-aggression against the volcano and nobody dared comment further until lava was lapping at their front door.

The extinction of the dinosaurs

Extinction truthers know that the dinosaurs were too busy explaining their pronouns to each other to notice the six-mile-wide asteroid plummeting towards them. Apart from one, a triceratops who saw it coming and tried to raise the alarm, but got immediately shouted down for daring to talk over a self-identified female pterodactyl.