16 so-called art masterpieces you could bang out in half-an-hour pissed

LET’S face it, most universally acclaimed works of art could have been done by you after a lengthy session in the pub. Here are 16 you could easily crank out after six pints.

Starry Night by Van Gogh

Blue swirl. Yellow swirl. Rinse, repeat. No need to cut your ear off over it, Vince.

Frida Kahlo’s self-portraits

You’ve been drawing moustaches and monobrows on pictures of politicians in the paper for years, so this is no challenge at all.

The Weeping Woman by Picasso

Cubist portraits are lemon peasy to bosh out when you’ve had a few. You don’t even have to get the eyes in the right place.

Girl With a Pearl Earring by Vermeer

Vermeer was shite at drawing. Case in point, he obviously f**ked up the hair so had to artfully place an IKEA bag over it.

The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali

Dali struggled with circles so he made the clocks look melted. You’d do the same after several Jägerbombs.

Venus de Milo by Alexandros of Antioch

Hands are the hardest bit, so no wonder the sculptor left them off. Piece of piss.

The Son of Man by Rene Magritte

If you can’t draw noses just stick an apple in front of their face. Classic shortcut from an artist as lazy and talentless as the rest of us.

The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch

Doodling a bunch of naked freaks getting off with each other? What is this, a pub toilet cubicle?

Impression, Sunrise by Claude Monet

Blobs that only look good far away. God knows how Claude got away with it, but you could do it too.

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt

Big shapeless lump with two faces. Just like your ex. Anyway, slap some gold leaf on anything and people are impressed.

The Great Wave by Hokusai

The frothy bits look tricky, until you find out it’s a woodcut. Any old bastard can use a stamp.

Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

There’s f**k all going on in this picture. Try drawing a city centre Wetherspoons at 11pm on a Saturday night. That would require real attention to detail.

Whistler’s Mother by James McNeill Whistler

Easy for the artist, even easier for his mum, who could watch Emmerdale while she was posing. He clearly couldn’t be arsed to draw her doing anything complicated, like playing Twister.

Grey Lines with Black, Blue and Yellow by Georgia O’Keefe

Vulvas are famously straightforward. They all look the same. Try a circumcised micro-penis with a Prince Albert next time, Georgia.

Number 1 by Jackson Pollock

You can do this by accident just by putting a pen with a loose lid in your handbag and running for a bus.

The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci

Anyone who’s read Dan Brown could knock this out in under an hour. Once you’ve got the Jesus/Mary Magdalene womb bit in, it’s just some self-important blokes having a chat. In fact, the pub will be good inspiration for your efforts.

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How to replace the Millennial slang you didn't understand with Gen Z slang you don't understand

MILLENNIAL slang is out of date and should be replaced by Gen Z slang, apparently. Here’s how to look ‘with it’ even if no one has a f**king clue what you’re saying.

‘Slay’ replaced with ‘bussin’

‘Slay’ means exceptionally good, but now you’ve got to say ‘bussin’. Have Gen Z been on a bus recently? In what sense is it ‘good’ to wait at a bus stop for 59 minutes because you just missed the last one, then sit there having unhealthily violent fantasies about ramming chav teens’ phones up their arses to see how much they like 50 Cent now?

‘Basic’ replaced with ‘cheugy’

Sigh. Just as you were getting comfortable with phrases like ‘basic bitch’ you’ve got to swap it out for ‘cheugy’, meaning painfully mainstream or dated. It often refers to activities such as wearing skinny jeans, enthusing about coffee chains, or being into Disney as an adult. Of course you have to ask what interests Gen Z have that are so scintillating. Vaping and energy drinks? That should leave a fascinating historical legacy.

‘Game’ replaced with ‘rizz’

‘Game’ refers to success in attracting a partner, and ‘rizz’ meaning ‘having charisma’ is supposedly equivalent in meaning. No it’s not, you dense twats. Also ‘rizz’ makes older generations like you think of Betty Rizzo in Grease, and despite being attractive she wasn’t cool, due to being 33 and still in high school.

‘Vibe’ replaced with ‘-type beat’

Both mean ‘atmosphere’ but Gen Z’s ‘-type beat’, as in ‘the restaurant had a chill, Italian-type beat’, is used by almost no one and just confusing. It took billions of years of evolution for mankind to develop language and thus civilisation, and by using this obscure term you are as incomprehensible as a grunting ape playing with his own excrement. Well done.

‘Bro’ replaced with ‘fam’

If you’re whiter than Mother’s Pride and determined to copy black slang, it’s time to update ‘bro’ with ‘fam’. They’re not really equivalent, but that doesn’t matter to idiots. Unfortunately for a large number of us, ‘fam’ also refers to Doctor Who’s ‘fam’, ie. Ryan, Graham and Yaz. Comparing someone to that shower of insipid woodentops is about the worst insult there is.

‘YOLO’ replaced with ‘F**k it, we ball’

YOLO was bad because it sounds like a streaming service that only shows crap like gender-fluid Batwoman. The substitute means ‘to go ahead with something regardless of circumstances’, but ‘we ball’ obviously means to have sex. So, if you’re male, your mate Steve may think you want to have sex with him, when you’re actually saying: ‘Let’s get pissed in the pub even though it’s Monday.’ If you’re female, your mate Steve will think this is an excellent bonus before you go to the pub.

‘Pwned’ replaced with ‘taking the L’

Meaning ‘to have power over’, the gamer-speak ‘pwned’ can now be replaced with the latter phrase, meaning you adopt the ‘L’ of a loser. Anyone not in their teens – and many of them as well – will assume you’re a 30 or 40-something twat trying to be down wit da yute, which, ironically, means that you have very much ‘taken the L’.

‘Dope’ replaced with ‘slaps’

You probably won’t have much difficulty expunging ‘dope’ from your vocabulary unless you’re Ice-T, but ‘slaps’, as in ‘that song slaps’, is too trendy for 99.9 per cent of people to understand. You could just say ‘is excellent’ or ‘really good’ and be understood by those around you, but presumably aficionados of Gen Z slang prefer to be passed over for jobs, university, relationships, life-saving medical treatment, etc.

‘On point’ replaced with ‘locked in’

‘Locked in’ has a positive meaning in a wanky business sense, eg. ‘the savings are locked in going forward’, but it’s also associated with locked-in syndrome, which is being completely paralysed and only able to communicate by moving your eyes. If you say ‘You’re really locked in, Kelly’ she’s going to think you’re blatantly calling her boring to her face, and you are a deeply unpleasant adult bully who gets off on belittling people. That’s not ideal if you’re trying to chat her up.