A Casa Amor reject: the shit celebs who appear at your local nightclub

DO you live in a small regional town with one shit nightclub? You’ll probably find some of these people making desperate appearances there. 

A Casa Amor reject

While Ekin-Su and Maura Higgins are signing multi-million pound modelling deals, this Ipswich-based plumber, who was instantly ejected from Casa Amor, is struggling to make hay from his time on Love Island. It’s difficult to imagine how an evening handing out watered-down shots at Vodka Rev in Dunstable will serve as a gateway to more TV work.

Come Dine With Me contestant

Nothing gets a crowd in a nightclub going quite like having a 57-year-old accountant who featured on Come Dine With Me in 2014 turn up to pretend to DJ. Revellers will stop dancing and look confused as this ‘celebrity’ plays Dire Straits album tracks in between angry rants about how he should have won his episodes.


Is it David Beckham? Zinedine Zidane? Raheem Sterling? No, it’s a slightly overweight man who allegedly played for Luton two decades ago, though there’s suspiciously little record of him online. He’ll spend the entirety of his £50 appearance fee on Jägerbombs and then get kicked out after vomiting on the dance floor.

1980s TV presenter

Your local nightclub Thunder Fingers has dug out a bloke who presented one series of Blue Peter and now scratches out a living making appearances like this and working part-time in Sainsbury’s. After watching him fire t-shirts at a piss-taking crowd you later find him weeping in the toilets, which is the most interesting part of his whole appearance.

A Geordie Shore ‘star’

Geordie Shore may have been the launchpad for several careers, but sadly not this lass, despite the promotional posters displayed by the nightclub leading you to think they’d booked Vicky Pattison. Instead, this ‘star’ appeared in two background scenes in season two before getting kicked off for being too boring, which is basically what happens at her night club appearance too.

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Man who lost a stone shocked his facial structure not totally altered

A MAN who lost a stone through healthy eating and exercise was stunned to find his face did not experience a miraculous transformation.

Joe Turner assumed losing a bit of weight would leave him with the chiselled features of a Hollywood star but was upset to discover he had retained almost the exact same mediocre looks as before.

Turner said: “I thought that if I lost a few pounds my face would become at least a solid eight out of ten. I was certain I had razor-sharp cheekbones and a strong, masculine jawline hiding just beneath the surface.

“But as the pounds came off, nothing’s changed. Men aren’t intimidated by my beauty, throngs of horny women aren’t mobbing me in the street, and I haven’t been scouted by a single modelling agency.

“Why hasn’t this worked? Why don’t I look like Ryan Gosling or Harry Styles? It can’t be the case that I’m just a bit of an ugly bloke and nothing is ever going to change that, so I’d better crack on and lose a bit more.”

His partner Emma Bradford said: “I know I should support Joe’s weight loss journey but his face used to be much nicer when he was smiling because he could drink pints and eat pies.”