A man's guide to reacting to criticism of Sydney Sweeney as if she's your girlfriend

A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.

Take it way too personally

The evil person who criticised Sydney was Carol Baum, a film producer and lecturer. Furiously ask if Ms Baum has been cast as any sexy superheroes recently. What a surprise – she hasn’t. Admittedly it’s not her job and she’s 81, but you’ve made your point. To random people on the internet, anyway.

Prove Sydney is pretty scientifically

Okay, you’re not going to get a research grant for this and it won’t be published in Nature, but a survey of your male friends should do it. ‘Would you shag Sydney Sweeney?’ is a pretty unbiased question, and you can expect a 90 per cent positive response. The ten per cent discrepancy can be explained by your gay friend Mike, and Rob who claims he wouldn’t cheat on his partner Clare, but he’s a f**king liar.

Have psychotic Twitter arguments

You can guarantee there are mental Sydney haters on the internet, either loser incels or vile teenage girls. Send them death threats, or tastelessly hope they die from cancer. You may feel wronged, but it’s important to observe proper Twitter etiquette. 

Collect evidence of Sydney’s acting

Sydney can act, perhaps not at a Meryl Streep level, but it’s definitely acting. You can find many examples by watching her teen drama Euphoria. It’s f**king punishing viewing due to being about shrieking/screaming/crying teenage girls having drug problems and mental breakdowns, so in the unlikely event of ever meeting Sydney you could legitimately ask her to be your girlfriend because she owes you.

Highlight her skill at wearing the Spider-Woman costume

That costume is pretty unforgiving and most people would look dreadful in it. So that’s one area in which Sydney is superior to so-called acting ‘greats’ like Al Pacino, Jodie Foster and Sir Ian McKellen. 

Have clearly have spent far too much time thinking about it 

Explain in creepy detail why Sydney is attractive, eg. ‘I’ll concede she doesn’t have the highly-defined features of a former model such as Milla Jovovich, but she can be bracketed with contemporaries such as Emma Stone, Florence Pugh and Scarlett Johansson in terms of beauty. She may lack the iconic status of a Jenny Agutter, but this is ultimately a subjective judgement.’ No one will argue with this and, if female, may well run off.

Point out she was ill-served by Madame Web

Actually a fair point. At least Dakota Johnson’s dialogue was amusingly awful, eg. ‘How would you know if you could climb a wall if you’ve never tried?’ Sydney was left with clunky plot-clarifying lines like: ‘You saved my stepmother, then you were super-awkward about it.’ Sydney stoically just says the words with a slightly confused look on her face. That’s true professionalism.

Be utterly crushed when you discover she’s got a fiance

Try not to cry when you eventually discover Sydney is engaged to businessman Jonathan Davino. The fact that she’s settling down forever with a rich, good-looking guy thousands of miles away is a bit of an obstacle to her being your girlfriend, but once you’ve recovered from the initial shock just tell yourself all couples go through their rough patches.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Inflation plummets if your diet is 90 per cent meat