Ant McPartlin attacked by drunk, angry intellectuals

ANT from Ant&Dec has been attacked outside a London pub by a drunken gang of high-brow television enthusiasts.

The presenter of Saturday evening proletariat entertainments was verbally abused and held in a headlock as his attackers chanted ‘Simon Schama’ and ‘fuck ITV’.

McPartlin was then ridiculed as the gang asked him a series of questions, including who produced The Nazis: A Warning from History and ‘tell us five important things about Bernard Levin’.

Ant said: “One of them grabbed me by the face and said that he had been on University Challenge and ‘what did I think of that’.

“I phoned Dec and told him to get down here because he’s cleverer than me and he might have been able to answer one of the BBC2 questions.’

Ant added: “It’s not my fault. The only reason I present these programmes is because of all the money.”

A police spokesman said: “We always warn people who present Britain’s Got Talent to try not to do it in a really obvious way. It just provokes people who went to a university founded before 1850.

“Nevertheless, high-brow television enthusiasts should know better. The problem, is they drink two bottles of Chablis while watching Simon Schama’s History of Britain and go out looking for trouble like they’re Edward Longshanks at the Battle of Evesham.”


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Bingo is my personal slang for porn, says Grant Shapps

SELF-DECLARED bingo enthusiast Grant Shapps was actually thinking of hardcore pornography, it has emerged.

The Conservative chairman was criticised for his patronising Twitter endorsement of last week’s budget. But it has since emerged that ‘bingo’ is his personal term for pornographic material.

Conservative chairman Shapps said: “Why on earth would I like the game bingo? It’s just nans crossing out numbers with big felt tips, utterly tedious.

“However I do really enjoy watching porn movies, or ‘bingo flicks’ as I cheekily call them. I thought everyone said that, but apparently not.”

Last week Shapps posted on Twitter: “Whether you’re into amateur bingo, MILF bingo, or big natural tits bingo, this budget is for people like you – and me.”

He went on to tweet pictures of his “favourite bingo stars”, before being informed by a Tory party staffer that the popular game of chance usually did not involve 19-year-old Texan women with alliterative names.

The news came as a blow to Shapps, who has long argued for a cut in erotica duty and frequently holds constituency surgeries in local fetish dungeons.