Apprentice Inspires New Generation To Become Vile

THE new series of The Apprentice is inspiring a new generation to become grasping, money-obsessed little turds, the BBC has claimed.

As another clutch of hopefuls clamour to become Sir Alan Sugar’s desktop stress relief bitch, the corporation said it was proud to help create a new wave of budding arseholes.

Kyle Stephenson, 13, from Peterborough, said: “Sir Alan was just a working-class boy like me, but he’s worked hard to have a magnificent house full of smoked glass and velour.

“I’m already using expressions like ‘taking the helicopter view’ and ‘actioning’ and am developing my own bullshit personal history involving an infeasibly successful career in recruitment during which I made infinity pounds in my first six months.”

A BBC spokesman said: “The Apprentice is about inspiring Kyle and thousands of other cold, alien little bastards. They’re like the children in Village of the Damned but with better hair products and it’s our job, as a public service broadcaster, to help them fulfil their amazing potential.

“Hopefully one day one of them will mastermind a horrifyingly cynical marketing campaign that will trick you into a buying some piece of shit you could never possibly need.”

Sir Alan, known to millions as a dog testicle balanced atop a Marks and Spencer’s suit, made his fortune in the early Eighties selling computers to parents who didn’t love their children enough to get them a Commodore 64.

Meanwhile the BBC has been forced onto the defensive amid suspicions one of the contestants may previously have been a person.

A BBC spokesman said: “It’s inevitable someone with a stray thread of humanity occasionally slips through into the bunged-up toilet full of greasy spivs and hyena-eyed women who compare themselves to sports cars.

“Rest assured we will find out who it is and have them strangled by a bear.”

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Kyle Hit By Monkey Faeces

MONKEY trainer Jeremy Kyle was left shaken last night after one of his creatures struck him on the head with a handful of fresh droppings.

The animal lashed out on live TV after Kyle had attempted to manipulate it with a series of powerful electric shocks via a remotely controlled neck collar.

After shocking it for the 14th time, the creature became quiet and subdued. But as Kyle turned back towards the studio audience it jumped down from its stool and adopted a squatting position before defecating into its hand.

Delighted TV viewers watched as the monkey sniffed the faeces, licked it and then threw it, with full force, at the back of Kyle’s head.

As the presenter stumbled forward, security staff moved in, firing at least five tranquiliser darts into the animal and using long poles to deliver yet more electric shocks to its groin, armpits and face.

Audience members cheered and whistled as the beast lay twitching and writhing on the floor for around 30 seconds. It then urinated on itself and went limp before being lifted into a wheelbarrow and returned to its concrete pen.

Viewer Emma Bradford said: “The poo was very soft – I imagine it’s a side effect from all the electric shocks – so it really stuck in Jeremy’s hair. It was as if he had been hit with a big handful of chocolate custard. They should do that everyday until I get bored of it.”

A spokesman for the show said: “It was upsetting for Jeremy. He has a very close bond with all his monkeys. They see him as a troupe leader, a father and a mother all rolled into one. So we’ll probably have to increase the voltage on the collars.

“We’ll also have to look again at whether we are getting them too drunk before the show, or nowhere near drunk enough.”

The spokesman also rejected claims the animals have been trained to throw their faeces, insisting: “It’s the spontaneity you get from a load of angry, pissed-up monkeys being given a series of massive electric shocks that makes it so magnificently watchable.”

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