THE new series of The Apprentice is inspiring a new generation to become grasping, money-obsessed little turds, the BBC has claimed.
As another clutch of hopefuls clamour to become Sir Alan Sugar’s desktop stress relief bitch, the corporation said it was proud to help create a new wave of budding arseholes.
Kyle Stephenson, 13, from Peterborough, said: “Sir Alan was just a working-class boy like me, but he’s worked hard to have a magnificent house full of smoked glass and velour.
“I’m already using expressions like ‘taking the helicopter view’ and ‘actioning’ and am developing my own bullshit personal history involving an infeasibly successful career in recruitment during which I made infinity pounds in my first six months.”
A BBC spokesman said: “The Apprentice is about inspiring Kyle and thousands of other cold, alien little bastards. They’re like the children in Village of the Damned but with better hair products and it’s our job, as a public service broadcaster, to help them fulfil their amazing potential.
“Hopefully one day one of them will mastermind a horrifyingly cynical marketing campaign that will trick you into a buying some piece of shit you could never possibly need.”
Sir Alan, known to millions as a dog testicle balanced atop a Marks and Spencer’s suit, made his fortune in the early Eighties selling computers to parents who didn’t love their children enough to get them a Commodore 64.
Meanwhile the BBC has been forced onto the defensive amid suspicions one of the contestants may previously have been a person.
A BBC spokesman said: “It’s inevitable someone with a stray thread of humanity occasionally slips through into the bunged-up toilet full of greasy spivs and hyena-eyed women who compare themselves to sports cars.
“Rest assured we will find out who it is and have them strangled by a bear.”