Artistic Kelly Brook Playboy shoot inspires tasteful masturbation

MEN are responding to Kelly’s Brook’s artistic Playboy spread with equally creative acts of self-pollution, it emerged last night.

Brook refuses to compromise her artistic knockers

The model’s debut Playboy centrefold uses artistic lighting, hats and high quality brass staples to elevate itself above the level of standard pornography and has inspired readers to a variety of similarly genre-defying handiwork.

Teacher, Bill McKay, said: “I’ve been considering my response to the images since purchasing the magazine half an hour ago, along with a newspaper that I didn’t really want.

“I have decided on a site-specific wank, for which I will utilise the relatively isolated context of the garage, partly because I feel it reflects contemporary conditions of alienation within an ostensibly masculine context, and partly because the door is lockable from the inside.”

Engineer, Roy Hobbs, said: “I shall be using the Brook portfolio as the jumping-off point for a semi-improvised act of intervention with my genitals, as soon as the wife goes out. I’ll probably stick some Brian Eno on and make it more of a multi-media event.

“I might then read the accompanying articles about deep sea diving and Matt Damon.”

He added: “It’s a travesty that there aren’t more grants available for this type of work.”

Kelly Brook’s Playboy appearance coincides with the release of her new feature film, Boobs 3D.

A spokesman said: “We changed the name from ‘Piranha 3D’ after stats revealed that 36 percent of the target demographic thought a piranha was a Japanese car.”

“As opposed to 114 percent that knew what boobs were.”

He added: “It’s a film that cleverly uses modern technology and a massive budget to convincingly recreate something originally made for sixty-five quid by some teenagers.”