Audiences surprised to discover Dune: Part Two is a musical

AUDIENCES at last night’s Dune: Part Two premiere were astonished to learn the gritty sci-fi sequel is in fact a musical.

Unlike the first instalment which was a broadly faithful adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel, Dune: Part Two followed the latest Hollywood trend of sneaking in an unnecessary musical number every 15 minutes.

Film critic Martin Bishop said: “I was ready to pick up where the last film left off and watch Paul and the Fremen bring peace to Arrakis. So imagine my surprise when everyone started to recap the plot via a samba.

“Admittedly I haven’t read the book, so I don’t know if this is taking liberties with the source material. But I find it hard to believe that sandworms were attracted by a beatboxing Chani or that the House of Atreides was avenged with a rap battle. It wouldn’t really work on the page.”

Premiere attendee Nikki Hollis said: “In retrospect, the Ice Spice cameo feels inevitable. But that doesn’t mean I appreciate it.

“First Wonka then Mean Girls, now this. Why can’t Warner Bros give people what they want? A punishingly bleak sci-fi epic that makes you feel every gruelling second of its unending runtime. That shit gets bums on seats.

“Although admittedly the cast’s performance of Sandstorm by Darude sounded amazing coming out of the cinema speakers as the credits started to roll. Worth the ticket price alone.”

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This is a disappointing result for Labour, says media twat trying to spin it all out

AN electoral expert with a mortgage to pay has claimed two by-election wins with huge swings is a very worrying result for Labour.

Denys Finch Hatton, who needs to make some f**king bank this year, believes the second-biggest fall in the Conservative vote in the post-war period is proof the general election will be tight and his services should not be dispensed with just yet.

He said: “Seeing this as a done deal for Starmer would be very short-sighted. A lot could still happen. This dog ain’t dead yet.

“For example, I could say things about voter turnout, or Reform UK, or stuff like that thing I’ve already said about the second-biggest fall in post-war votes. That was pretty good. You’re not going to come up with that on your own.

“Statements like ‘the Tories don’t have a chance’ or ‘Labour have got this in the bag, turn off the swingometer and go home, mate’ don’t comprehend the half of it. Actually at this stage anything could happen. Rishi hasn’t unveiled his crappy little tax cuts yet.

“And people aren’t that into Starmer. They’re not wearing Starmer T-shirts or anything. There’s a marked lack of enthusiasm for Labour I’m willing to discuss at length. Please.”

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said: “Look at this face. Do I come across to you as someone who does now or has ever given a f**k about enthusiasm?”