Band wins recording contract for bits of songs

A LOCAL band has won a recording contract for an album of unfinished songs, ‘jam sessions’ and Led Zeppelin riffs.

The Velociraptors, from Crewe, have been signed by Sony after a talent scout heard them aimlessly repeating the riff from Whole Lotta Love for 45 minutes in the bass player’s garage.

Guitarist Tom Logan said: “We’ve never really written a whole proper song, but the record company said we could just play bits of songs and fill the rest of the album with a blues jam.

“Most of our ‘tracks’ are just a few chords and some cheesy lyrics written on an envelope. But we have got loads of them and some go on for ages because we all insist on doing interminable solos.

“Anyway we can always do some cover versions. We can play most of Layla, Sweet Child O’ Mine and Enter Sandman, apart from the tricky guitar bits.”

Logan added that the band would avoid ‘difficult second album’ problems by simply recording themselves playing fragments of U2 songs and discussing why other bands were shit.

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Guardian produces French dictionary with masculine nouns removed

THE Guardian has created a French dictionary that contains only feminine words.

The paper insisted masculine nouns had dominated for too long and has now tackled the inequality by stripping out all words that start with ‘le’ from the French dictionary”.

Dictionary editor Julian Cook said: “It’s taken us approximately six weeks, and we’re very pleased with the result.

“It really hammers home just how uneven the dictionary playing field is, and how tough it can be for young, up-and-coming feminine words to gain recognition in an archaic, testosterone-fuelled arena.”

A link to the dictionary has since been re-tweeted by almost 20 of The Guardian’s Twitter followers.

Donna Sheridan from Islington said: “I posted it on my feed because I thought it was so striking and powerful. It really makes you think.”

When asked exactly what it makes you think about, Sheridan refused to comment.