BBC unveils new drama The Enunciators

THE BBC has unveiled a new drama which promises some of the most clearly-spoken action ever seen on TV.

The Enunciators, which stars properly educated actors Rupert Penry-Jones and Tom Hiddleston as police investigators without a hint of a regional accent, will follow a murder investigation where everyone explains everything to everyone else throughout.

Characters will speak directly to camera to make lip-reading easier and will announce their emotional states by writing them on large signs.

A BBC spokesman said: “The Enunciators features the most unambiguously-articulated action on British television.

“Set in a bucolic Kent village where everyone pronounces their words correctly and no post-Shakespearean slang is used, the show is perfect for anyone sick of mumblers, Northerners, Scots and the Irish.”

Pensioners and the inattentive have welcomed the show, particularly the recaps at the beginning of each episode which are screeched at ear-splitting volume by former T4 presenter June Sarpong.

Denys Finch-Hatton, of Tewkesbury, said: “The problem isn’t that I set an arbitrary volume level on my TV which I refuse, as a point of principle, to go past.

“The problem is that these regional actors haven’t bothered learning their lines and think they can get away with it by talking into their chests.

“And you can’t get subtitles now there’s no Ceefax. Pressing 888 just changes the channel to Psychic Today.”


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You should have heard some of the other poster ideas, says Farage

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has rejected criticism of the party’s latest poster campaign, assuring people they have absolutely no idea.

Mr Farage revealed the party’s grassroots members had offered their own suggestions, adding: “Sweet. Jesus.”

He said: “One of them suggested me in a paramilitary uniform standing on top of a mountain, with the slogan, ‘Men of England, Touch My Destiny’.

“There was also the man snatching a baby from a pram, with the instruction that he look ‘very obviously semitic’.

“Then there was ‘the pile of skulls’.

“The person who sent that one in writes everything in capital letters and suggested we ‘POSITION IT OUTSIDE PRIMARY SCHOOLS’.

“Meanwhile, another member suggested a simple photo of a fully-erect black penis, but with no slogan, insisting the image ‘encapsulates absolutely everything we are trying to say’.”

He added: “These aren’t necessarily bad ideas, but they are bold and I just don’t think we’re quite at that stage. Perhaps next year. We’ll see.”

Mr Farage also revealed the party’s next set of posters will include a swarthy looking man in a dirty vest, a man with a Union Jack painted on his face, blowing his brains out, and an array of suspicious-looking tropical fruits with the slogan ‘Mangoes? Papayas? Whatever Next?’.