Boney M chronicle life of Berezovsky

BONEY M have penned a catchy biographical pop hit about Boris Berezovsky.

THE 1970s Eurodisco band are famed for their love of reggae and Russian history but had been low on material since the 80s.

Boney M star Maize Williams said: “We made millions on the back of Rasputin being both ‘wheeler dealer’ and ‘holy healer’.

“But we’d been struggling for songworthy Russian deaths as there are few credible rhymes for ‘oligarch’.

“What’s more, with all the dissident journalists meeting sticky ends, it’s been difficult to make ‘shot him til he was dead’ sound fresh. And ‘put some poison into his wine’ was just rehashing the same old stuff.

“So when we heard about Berezovsky, our first thought was ‘What rhymes with strangle?’

“Ten minutes later we had ‘Be-Be-Berezovsky’ – dance floor dynamite, set to a pumping backdrop of crisp hi hats, hand claps and strings.

“And after the balalaika solo, we explain how the court case with Abramovich he just couldn’t wangle, rounding off with a suggestion he may have been killed by Joe Mangel.”

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Britain to worship massive baby

THE birth of a 15-and-a-half pound baby heralds a golden age of plenty.

Cold and hungry Britons, huddled around flickering tealights, insisted everything was going to be fine after the arrival of Massive George.

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “On the same day the government announces food stamps, the Gods reveal unto us a gigantic baby.

“And he is named George King. Can you not see that we are truly the chosen ones?”

Bill McKay, from Hatfield, added: “It’s an omen that the time of the Great Squeeze is at an end and we will all soon feast, our tables heaving with geese and pineapples and mini iPads.”

McKay added: “Of course he’s called George King. He could not be anything else. He’s our massive British baby with a great British name.

“We are invincible.”

The government, the Church of England and the Queen will be appointed as Massive George’s co-guardians to nurture and protect the Great Child until he can begin the Golden Time of his benign, all-loving dictatorship.

Meanwhile, he will be paraded though the streets of London twice a year atop Britain’s largest cow and pointed at crafty foreigners who think they are better than us.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “We must preserve all of his stools.”