13-YEAR-OLDS are learning that Lemmy, widely known as St Kilmister of Motörhead, was not canonised by any major church and their fathers were lying. 

Josh Hudson had grown up believing tales of paralysed rockers rising from their wheelchairs and walking, healed by the sheer force of Lemmy’s noise assault, only to learn on Wikipedia he was nothing but the bassist in a metal band.

He said: “So the whole bit about him wearing his warts with pride because he refused to use his holy powers to heal himself? That was just bollocks?

“I thought he had to be some sort of divine hermit because why else would he have that facial hair? Instead I’ve learned he spent his life on speed and collected Nazi regalia. It’s quite the comedown.”

Father Wayne said: “I brought Josh up to play music loud, not trust the government, and stay away from the needle.

“If he got confused and thought Lemmy said all that from a cloud in heaven and not on a string of albums from 1977 to 2015 that helped shape the genre of metal and never dipped in quality, that’s on him.”

Josh said: “It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real. From now on I’m only taking life advice from the music of my generation, sensible stuff about dealing and going to prison for knife crime.”