Carrying three mugs of tea: The amazing stunts of active 80-year-old Indiana Jones

INDIANA Jones is the age of your grandad and able to perform many of the same thrilling stunts. Marvel during Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny as he successfully picks up the dog’s ball.

Brings in three mugs of tea

Not only has he correctly remembered you don’t take sugar, daredevil octogenarian Indy is carrying all three mugs at once. Moving expertly to the coffee table, he places them all down without a drop of spillage, to applause. He has to nip back into the kitchen for the biscuits, though. He’s not superhuman.

Drives to the shops

Audiences with elderly relatives will relish the heart-in-mouth moment when Professor Jones climbs into his 2015 Renault Clio to nip down the precinct even though there’s a new mini-roundabout he’s unfamiliar with. When he eventually slides into his favourite parking spot outside the chemist, you’ll exhale with relief.

Gives his granddaughter a piggyback

Tension rises as Jones’s six-year-old grandchild, ignorant of his longstanding lumbar problems, demands to ride on his back. Gritting his teeth, the well-past-pension-age archaeologist finds new reserves of strength and manages to give her a piggyback ride for upwards of 45 seconds, leaving audiences aghast.

Gets the Countdown conundrum

In a key scene, Indy puts on his varifocals and, poised with a pen and working-out paper in front of the television at precisely 2.35pm, solves the nine-letter Countdown conundrum by spotting that ‘MADSTABLE’ is ‘LAMBASTED’. ‘As sharp as ever eh, Professor Jones?’ Phoebe Waller-Bridge quips in her Fleabag voice.

Makes an online purchase

The clock is counting down, Indiana has seen an item on eBay he believes is the Clockwork Emerald of Ravenser Odd, and against the odds he’s managed to create an account. With only moments to go he links it to his PayPal and puts in the winning bid. Now all he has to do is wait for the postman and leave feedback.

Sees a trans woman in an advert

Right at the climax of the movie Indy, in his trademark battered fedora, is forced face-to-face with the gender revolution. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as he clearly clocks the model is not cis, watching his jaw work as he holds back his reaction, then cheering in triumph as he says ‘Well I suppose it’s up to her what she looks like’ and moves on.

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Tory MP this close to eating bowl of sewage live on breakfast TV

A CONSERVATIVE MP is teetering on the brink of gulping down a bowl of raw sewage live on TV, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop hopes to prove a point about Britain’s water quality being fine, the younger generation’s lack of fortitude or some other bullshit thing, and has even brought his own spoon.

Despite nobody suggesting it, Bishop said he would eat a bowl of mixed turds collected from the studio’s toilets if necessary, and then began looking around for the show’s producer.

Speaking live on TV, Bishop said: “If you want turtles and coral, go to the Bahamas. This is Britain and we’re proud of our brown, foamy tide.

“People need to stop being squeamish snowflakes. There’s nothing wrong with a couple of turds in the water. Look at me. I’ve swallowed more than my share of brown trout and I’m perfectly fine and normal. I’m a fit and healthy Brexiteer who firmly believes the Blob wants to turn me into a transsexual.

“Above all I have to dogmatically prove privatisation has been a huge success and water companies aren’t just taking the piss. If I have to chow down on human excrement, that’s just the free market working effectively.”

He added: “I’m not just saying all this. If I rock up at the beach and it doesn’t look like an explosion in a Porta Potty I won’t even get out of the car. Luckily there’s always the next toxic cove to float about in like a big, pale whale. 

“Where’s that bowl of shit? I’m hungry.”