Child adamant glitter spilt all over the living room carpet is not a big issue

A CHILD making a sparkly picture has hit back at accusations that spilling glitter all over the living room carpet is a big deal.

Five-year-old Oliver Bishop made a charming picture of his family, but was shocked to find that dad Martin preferred to angrily focus on glitter all over the floor, on the walls and somehow up the stairs.

Oliver said: “My friends’ parents encourage and nurture their kids. But my so-called father doesn’t appreciate my unique artistic vision. He’s a philistine and an idiot. 

“He’s just annoyed because he’ll have to get the hoover out. Not a word of thanks for me skillfully rendering his image in glitter. We’re through. He’s dead to me now.”

Martin Bishop said: “I got home and Oliver appeared to have detonated a bomb packed with glitter in the lounge. It’s on the telly, for Christ’s sake. 

“The last time this happened I was going into work with it in my hair and finding bits in my bellybutton for weeks afterwards. This is not a father-son bonding moment for us to treasure.

“Roll on the teenage years. I’m sure that will all be plain sailing.”

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Lockdown 2: The Sequel, ranked against all the other sequels

LOCKDOWN 2 has arrived just months after the end of the widely acclaimed first lockdown, but will it be a Ghostbusters 2 or an Aliens? Check our rankings:

Lockdown 2: Judgement Day

The second Terminator movie is a flawless masterpiece. Nothing this government does will ever compare, and if they’d made a Terminator film it would be the baffling turd of a movie that is Terminator Genisys.

Lockdown 2: The New Batch

Another month-long lockdown, with an option to extend, won’t ever reach the heights of the Gremlins movie that vastly improved on the first. Plus Gremlins 2 had a thinly-veiled Donald Trump analogue in it, and it’s looking like this one won’t. 

Lockdown 2: Die Harder

The title is a little bit too close to actual government policy to be palatable.

Lockdown 2: Their First Assignment

In fact it’s Dido Harding and the comically bumbling track and trace team’s second assignment, because they’ve already f**ked up the first. But thematically appropriate because there will be seven lockdowns spiralling down in quality, just like the Police Academy movies. 

Lockdown 2: The Secret of the Ooze

The title of the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film could remind the government to find out how Covid works, not just bugger about breaking international law to troll the EU. And much like the film, it could be the lame sequel that killed the franchise. And Vanilla Ice’s career with ‘Ninja Rap’. 

Lockdown 2: Cruise Control

That’s more like it: as with Speed 2, a disastrous sequel with all the best bits of the first one shorn away, leaving only a slow-motion catastrophe, the cost of which can never be justified. 

Lockdown 2: The Quickening

We can only hope that the second lockdown won’t be as agonisingly painful and soul-destroying as the second Highlander film. The living would envy the dead.