Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Donald Trump's guide to accepting defeat with grace and dignity

LOSING gracefully is an art, as multiple bankrupt and divorcee Donald Trump knows only too well. Here he explains how to take it like a man.

First, my congratulations to Joe

Cheatin’ Joe Biden is trying to steal the presidency so that snake in the grass could be your new POTUS. Enjoy it while it lasts, Joe, you asshole, because you’re very old and about to die soon. And you’ll go to the bad place.

My thanks to everyone involved in the rigged counting process

You threw away Trump votes and stuffed the ballot boxes with fake Hispanics called Sanchez Burrito. But you worked so hard at it. When Mexican drug gangs murder your families, maybe you should think about that.

No president has ever done more

The completed wall. The establishment of Space Force. The elimination of Covid from the United States. The ending of racism. I’m only sorry I didn’t put Hillary on death row, but it wasn’t my fault. I’m just one guy fighting liberal-fascist CNN fake news.

It’s been a great four years in the White House

Everything here is mine. I moved in with it. That Oval Office desk I brought here from Trump Tower. I’m taking everything: Tiffany lamps, that painting of George Washington, the Bill of Rights. They’re all going in Jared’s truck. And the light bulbs.

My thanks to my tireless campaign team

Actually just Ivanka. She’s a hot piece of ass, right? She brightens up any hardworking president and father’s day. The rest of you cocksuckers can go f**k yourselves.

This isn’t over

We’ve all got to move on in life, and this is my chance to found a TV channel discussing QAnon’s entirely true claims that Hillary is an immortal paedo-vampire.