Wednesday, 3rd March 2021

John Lewis cuts hundreds of jobs to pay for bullshit advert

JOHN Lewis has let go hundreds of workers to cover the cost of making this year’s bullshit Christmas advert.

The department store had to make savings after it spunked millions creating a twee CGI character who will tug on people’s heartstrings to make them buy stuff that is cheaper elsewhere.

A spokesperson said: “It’s been a tough year, what with the deadly virus and all, but that pales in comparison to the cost of shooting an advert about a sombrero-wearing sprout who learns the true meaning of Christmas. Which is shopping at John Lewis.

“Recording that mournful, acoustic version of the Macarena didn’t come cheap either, so it made sense to send some people packing.

“It’ll be worth it though to see kids’ faces light up at the sight of Sancho Sprout and his branded hashtag on the telly. That’s one of those things money can’t buy, but mass lay-offs can.”

Sacked John Lewis employee Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve lost everything during this pandemic and I can’t claim furlough money. 

“But if it means I don’t have to sit in on meetings about that f**king talking sprout again, I’m happy.”