Looks like I've a substantial chance of getting away with my bullshit, says cheerful Johnson

BORIS Johnson has a spring in his step this morning after seeing US voters vote for a lying bastard with nonsense hair in massive numbers. 

The prime minister has observed the election results, realised that there is literally no upper level of f**king-up that will put off certain voters, and begun to make plans for the next four years.

He said: “Whatever the outcome, this is a fantastic result for kleptomaniac demogogues who break all their promises and get away with it.

“And this in the middle of a pandemic. I’ll be free, clear and openly fathering bastard children by 2024, and the electorate will be with me.

“An obvious decline in the quality of living? Economic mismanagement coupled with setting the nation at one another’s throats? A cabinet of useful idiots? These aren’t problems. These are winning policies.

“Frankly the pressure’s off. It’s no-deal Brexit and barely even trying to battle Covid from now on. Why bother? Ol’ Trumpy’s killed tons more than me and he’s still in the running.”

He added: “If Starmer gives me shit at PMQs later I’m going to tell him to go f**k himself. Why not?”

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Healthiest relationships based on agreeing the same people are twats

AGREEING with your partner on who the massive bellends is the best foundation of a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

While trust and physical intimacy are also important for couples to thrive, being on the same page about Georgia’s new wanker boyfriend truly keeps a partnership thriving.

Relationshop expert Dr Helen Archer said: “Love, respect and shared values are key. And the most important shared value is recognising dickheads when you see them.

“Agreeing with your partner on the turds who clap when planes land or their controlling nightmare of a stepmum, or simply Eamonn Holmes, really bonds a couple.

“It’s especially effective if you’re in close contact to the object of your shared loathing, for example a neighbour whose cat shits all over your lawn or a colleague who supports Chelsea.

“Mutual hatred of others is the foundation of attraction. Tinder’s retooling its algorithm so good, sensible people will never again be paired with f**knuts who have an unexpected admiration for Bono.”

Grace Wood-Morris said: “My boyfriend and are aren’t sexually compatible and don’t like the same films. But we both agree that Mark Francois is the king of the arseholes, so it’s fine.”