Saturday, 5th December 2020

Looks like I've a substantial chance of getting away with my bullshit, says cheerful Johnson

BORIS Johnson has a spring in his step this morning after seeing US voters vote for a lying bastard with nonsense hair in massive numbers. 

The prime minister has observed the election results, realised that there is literally no upper level of f**king-up that will put off certain voters, and begun to make plans for the next four years.

He said: “Whatever the outcome, this is a fantastic result for kleptomaniac demogogues who break all their promises and get away with it.

“And this in the middle of a pandemic. I’ll be free, clear and openly fathering bastard children by 2024, and the electorate will be with me.

“An obvious decline in the quality of living? Economic mismanagement coupled with setting the nation at one another’s throats? A cabinet of useful idiots? These aren’t problems. These are winning policies.

“Frankly the pressure’s off. It’s no-deal Brexit and barely even trying to battle Covid from now on. Why bother? Ol’ Trumpy’s killed tons more than me and he’s still in the running.”

He added: “If Starmer gives me shit at PMQs later I’m going to tell him to go f**k himself. Why not?”