CLIPS from The Hobbit have revealed that the film will be ludicrous, childish, and completely made-up.
Critics have focused on the stupid little characters with hairy feet, the wizard with the big beard who looks like Santa playing cricket, and Ye Olde England dialogue which makes everyone sound like they are waiters in an animatronic Disneyworld Stonehenge-themed restaurant.
Film critic Tom Booker said: “Remember those kids who played Dungeons & Dragons and spent every night pretending to be barbarian warriors and every lunchtime getting their faces rubbed in gravel?
“Well, this film is for them. It’s a stack of complete bullshit.”
He added: “I recommend all grown-ups to watch Game of Thrones on the telly instead, which is much the same but with loads of fucking.”
Emma Bradford, of Ain’t It Cool News, agreed: “Fans of hairy characters in leather walking through fields and forests should buckle up because there’s more on the way.
“Everyone else should go and watch a proper film with gunfights and car chases instead of swords and horses and dickhead names like Rivendell and Elrond.”
Hobbit director Peter Jackson said: “It looks fucking awful, doesn’t it?
“Don’t worry, we’re doing a special thing where we run the film at twice the speed so at least it’ll be over quickly.”