Corbyn would make a terrible Bond, says Pierce Brosnan

A FORMER 007 has claimed that Jeremy Corbyn does not have what it takes to fight the evil forces of SMERSH.

With Daniel Craig due to step down from the role of Bond after this year’s Spectre, Pierce Brosnan said the 66 year-old left winger is not up to the task of bedding Croatian Wonderbra models and delivering deadpan quips.

The Irish actor said: “Yes, he has a lot of very old-fashioned attitudes, but not the right ones.

“Believing in re-nationalising the railways is just not the same as believing all women should be young, have shapely breasts and be called something like ‘Fellacia Lipps’.”

Brosnan added: “While Andy Burnham’s luxurious mop of dark hair makes him the obvious candidate, I think it would be great if producer Barbara Broccoli took a chance on Yvette Cooper.

“A female Bond? Why not. I’d love to see the shadow home secretary paraglide into a super-villain’s secret Alpine lair, garrotte a dwarf henchman and then snog Eva Green.”

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Rail companies unveil women-only rip-offs

RAIL companies have devised an incomprehensible new fare structure, specially for women.

The firms backed Jeremy Corbyn’s call to segregate the rail network, insisting it would empower women and keep everyone safely profitable.

A spokesman for the train operators said: “Women-only tickets will be classified as ‘safe’, ‘super-safe’, ‘budget safe’, ‘off-peak safe’ and ‘fractionally less peak safe’.

“Women will also have the chance to buy a standard ‘woman’ ticket, or a cheaper ‘plain woman’ one. It’s entirely up to them if they want to admit to being an unloved, childless frump.”

The spokesman added: “Prices will vary between £12 and £450 depending on some randomly selected criteria designed to confuse you and make you all emotional.

“We’ll also paint the carriages pink and put flowers on the tables, because you all like that sort of crap, don’t you?”