Dad hoping someone saw him buy Stormzy CD

A FATHER bought Stormzy’s album in HMV and is really hoping someone saw him do it.

Bill McKay didn’t inform his wife or kids that he was buying Gang Signs and Prayer in case they knocked his confidence by laughing at him, but said he was more than happy for strangers to see him buy it.

He said: “When I was queueing up in HMV I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping that the attractive girl who worked there was going to serve me.

“Sadly, she didn’t and I just had to buy it from some odd-looking bloke with a wispy beard who probably thought I was buying it for a niece or a nephew.

“That would still make me a pretty cool uncle, but still.”

McKay then went on to say he likes lots of new music though most of his recommendations come from the Brit or Mercury awards.

“Last year I bought Tame Impala’s album. Didn’t really like it but I made sure to leave it in the car just in case anyone walked past and thought, ‘I wonder what young cool bastard owns that’.”

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Scientists confirm four pints is best amount of beer

FOUR pints is the best amount of beer to drink, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that four pints of ale or lager allows the drinker to forget most of their problems and feel generally pleasant, but still function the next day.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Any less than four pints and the evening is essentially pointless.

“Subjects in the ‘one’ and ‘two’ pint test groups were boring, and ‘three’ just went to the toilet more than usual.

“Five is reasonable too if you don’t have work the next day. You’ll suffer for it though.”

He added: “These are only guidelines. Just go with whatever number of pints feels right for you.”

However drinker Wayne Hayes said: “What about those times when you feel pissed off one pint, or you can’t get drunk no matter how much you drink? And crisps, what if you’re eating a lot of crisps?

“Science never takes crisps into account.”