I am deeply sorry for whatever it was that happened to you, whoever you are


The thing that happened to you, or to that person you knew or are related to, is terrible.

Very terrible.

The other day I was at a drinks reception with some top flight people. They had prawns the size of a man’s fist.

I’m very sorry for what it is that happened to you, and want you to know I would be making this call even if some people hadn’t told me to make the call. Or, more accurately, handed me the phone and said ‘speak into this, say the words written down on this piece of paper, and only those words’.

Have you ever seen a prawn as big as a man’s fist? You wouldn’t think they’d be tender, but they are. Very, very tender. They had dipping sauce too.

I hope you can come to terms with your loss. I lost a cufflink recently. It was a gift from a billionaire. Studded with high quality jewels. Shiny. Maybe it’ll turn up.

Anyway, where were we? Prawns. Very tender. Juicy.

I need to go now, there are people waving at me. Is it time to have my feeding tube put in?

It’s been a real honour for you to speak with me.

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Couple in long deathly silence after deciding to stop moaning

A LONG period of uncomfortable silence is ongoing after a couple decided to stop moaning. 

Regular married man Stephen Malley said: “I was really, really tired and had a sore neck. My wife was also complaining of a sore neck and similar level tiredness, although clearly she wasn’t as tired as me.

“Having reached a complaining stalemate my wife Alice suggested we make a pact to stop moaning forever.

“I thought we would be fine. That was four days ago. Not a word has been uttered since. Without moaning we have nothing.”

Alice Malley said: “I thought our relationship was built on love and a mutual fascination with the world around us. Now I discover its based on finding each other and most things really, really annoying.”

Stephen Malley added: “I heard some jazz and thought, lovely, I’ll discuss that with Alice but then I saw she had left a wet towel on the bed and also the broadband wasn’t working.

“I just went in the other room and sat in a chair.”