Documentary channels drop factual subjects

SATELLITE documentary channels have decided to drop factual programming to focus on UFOs, Bigfoot and Atlantis.

After the Animal Channel showed mocked-up footage of mermaids which many viewers believed was real, programme makers are to ignore any distinction between facts and bollocks.

New ‘ficumentary’ shows include The Werewolves of Henry VIII, Stalin’s Mission to Mars and Anne Frank: Android Assassin.

Tom Logan, head of programming at The Factual Channel, said: “Our viewers don’t understand the difference between real events and speculative twaddle claiming Nostradamus shot JFK.

“Also real life can be extremely depressing, which is why I have just cancelled Holocaust: The Ultimate Inhumanity and replaced it with Auschwitz: Secret Nazi UFO Factory?

“Some would say this is an unethical approach to documentary-making, but as any scientist would tell you, you can’t prove the Mothman doesn’t exist.”

Documentary channel viewer Stephen Malley said: “The documentary channels have such a blatant disregard for the truth I’m starting to wonder if Dracula really existed.

“On the other hand, my encyclopaedic knowledge of alien conspiracies does makes me feel quite important.”

Fellow viewer Nikki Hollis said: “These sorts of documentaries are just harmless entertainment. Everyone knows 9/11 didn’t really happen, but it’s still fun to watch.”

TV insiders are currently predicting record viewing figures for the new Discovery Channel documentary Secret Prophecies of the Ancient Mayan UFO Astronauts of the SS Illuminati of Atlantis.


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Murray in danger of no longer being funny

ANDY Murray risks losing his status as a byword for risible mediocrity.

The increasingly efficient Scot has seen his comedic form dip as he continues to make the final stages of competitions without falling over anything or having bits of his body drop off and explode.

Murray said: “Hopefully I’ll get wrapped up in the net, flapping about like a big, sulky dolphin. Or maybe I’ll just deliver a forehand smash to my own testicles.

“If I reach the final people may start thinking of me as an actual tennis player.”

He added: “I’m the fourth best in the world and while I’m in no danger of winning anything that matters, I do seem to have reached the point where I’ve stopped being laughable.

“Even being fifth would be funnier – constantly just missing out on semi-finals would be tragically comic.”

Experts have blamed Murray’s woeful comedic form on coach Ivan Lendl, who won Least Cheerful Man in Tennis for six years in a row in the 1980s.

Lendl stressed that he wanted to pass on his biggest strength to Murray – a fantastic inability to win Wimbledon.

He added: “In my day, bittersweet comedy wasn’t in fashion so when I won everything except Wimbledon people just saw it as something terribly sad, rather than an enormous cosmic punchline.

“I want to turn Andy into a trophy-capturing automaton that gets to the Wimbledon final every year and goes two sets up before turning into a dyspraxic jumble of pale, hairy limbs.

“It’s going to be fucking hilarious.”