Doing murders 'the new rock 'n' roll'

PEOPLE who do murders are this generation’s equivalent of rock stars, it has been claimed.

A spokesman for Rolling Stone magazine said: “As you can see from our Boston Bomber cover, murderers aren’t just weird old loners – some of them have great hair.

“When you look into Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s eyes, which are like two brown pools, you can tell he is thinking really deep thoughts about bombs.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “The music magazine market has shrunk to just middle-aged men with bad posture, so tapping into the murderer demographic is a really smart move.

“Plus they’ll boost advertising revenue from knife, gun and ‘body-dissolving acid’ companies.”

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Sausage factories attack ‘blatant prejudice’

SAUSAGE factories have defended their reputation, saying they are worthwhile businesses without which there would be no sausages.

After Nick Clegg disparagingly referred to sausage factories in an interview, sausage professionals have demanded to know what exactly is so bad about making cylindrical pork products.

Sausage factory owner Tom Logan said: “I also object to the idea that sausage factories represent mindless conformity. I mean you can add all sorts of things to sausages, like chives or even apple.

“We’re pretty much artists, working in the medium of pork.

“It’s enough to make me think about chucking it all in and making fisherman’s pies or something. Then – no more sausages.”

Sausage factory worker Donna Sheridan said: “People don’t say ‘Look at that stupid car factory with all its wheels and glove compartments.’

“If Nick Clegg tried to run a sausage factory it would be like a Norman Wisdom film, with liquid meat squirting out everywhere while he frantically ran around with a bucket.”

The British Federation of Sausage Makers is now planning a nationwide PR campaign including open days at sausage factories, although not the ones that use tendons and anuses.