I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person

Dear Holly,

I’ve just had to make a difficult decision and I’m not sure if it was the right one. I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person to help me sell bric a brac out the back of a van but all I had to choose from was a pair of wanton hotties. How did this happen? They have befuddled me with their glitter and big shiny pouty lips. I’m all confused. I think Karren Brady has been spiking my tea. Please send help!



Dear Alan,

The only thing you can do in these situations is trust your instinct. I can’t really explain what instinct is, because we haven’t covered it in science yet but it’s just that primordial sense of clarity you get, for example when a really fat person is about to sit at on the other end of the see-saw to you: a split-second decision can be the difference between escaping unscathed and skinning your entire face on concrete.

Hope that helps,


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United offered trolley-dash through QPR dressing room in exchange for Rooney

QPR MANAGER Harry Redknapp has offered Manchester United a three-minute trolley-dash to take as many players as they want for Wayne Rooney.

Redknapp also signalled there could be further inducements on the deal including a gas-fired barbecue, tickets to see Diversity on tour, and a loyalty card so that every nine players bought gives a tenth player free.

Redknapp, who asked reporters to call him Crazy Harry and the club his Wacky World of Soccer Savings, said: “Clint Hill, Adel Taarabt, Yun Suk-Young, if you can get them in the trolley you’re taking them with you. And it’s a big trolley.

“We’ve got defenders, we’ve got attackers, we’ve got those blokes in the middle who honestly I can’t remember what they do, we’ve got foreign lads from every country you’ve heard of and a few you haven’t.

“Come on David, fill your trolley and fill your boots.”

Wayne Rooney responded to the offer by letting his big, soulful blue eyes slowly fill with tears before blinking and asking the cameraman if he got that or if he should go again.

The striker said: “If only people knew how sensitive I am. I mean, I’ve got a Stereophonics tattoo and I only sleep with prostitutes if Colleen’s not around or not up for it.

“By implying I am a mortal man David Moyes has insulted me, and I am angry and confused and confused and angry and hungry and aroused.”