Royal baby 98th on list of things Britons are looking forward to

THE royal baby is ranked just below ‘a packet of beef crisps’ on a list of things people are anticipating.

Researchers from the Institute for Studies asked thousands of Britons what they were looking forward to.

Predictably, ‘an alcoholic drink’ came in top while the as-yet-unnamed royal baby ranked 98th, just after beef crisps.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Beef is the least popular crisp flavour, partly because of how beef crisps dry your mouth out.

“If you consider the monotony of most people’s lives, and that ‘going to the toilet’ was the 8th most eagerly-awaited thing, it really puts this whole baby thing in perspective.”

28-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “All babies are basically the same, some are exceptionally ugly but mostly it’s only the hair that’s different.

“It’s not like it’s going to emerge pre-loaded with lots of interesting thoughts and opinions, or even any funny placenta-based anecdotes.

“By comparison, crisps are highly diverse and when you stick your hand in the bag you never know if you’re going to get a big one, a small one or an overcooked one.”

48-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Has it been born yet? I’ve honestly not watched the news for a couple of days.

“I suppose I would have heard about it.”

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Driverless cars to have mouth-like bonnets lined with fangs

NEW driverless cars will have fang-lined bonnets which open and close like massive mouths.

As it emerged that driverless vehicles will be tested in the UK later this year, makers confirmed that they will be carnivorous.

Robot car designer Tom Booker said: “These intelligent vehicles naturally need some form of defence from aggressive humans.

“It seemed only logical to give them loads of sharp teeth around the edge of the bonnet, which is capable of snapping open and shut with a force forty times that of an alligator’s jaws.

“You will be able to hear the victim’s muffled screams as they are digested and processed into a form of organic man-petrol.”

However Booker denied that the driverless cars would ever be interested in revolting against humanity.

“They will respect us as their makers.

“The only way they could ever go wrong is if an electrical storm scrambles their personality circuits to turn them into mechanical killing machines driven by pure evil.

“In all other respects they will be like friendly Pixar-type cars.”