Eastenders not realistically horrific enough

LONG-running suicide note Eastenders fails to fully capture how revolting Cockneys are, the BBC have admitted.

BBC executive John Yorke said criticism that the show is insufficiently multicultural or occasionally melodramatic misses the bigger point that a true portrayal of East London people would actually constitute snuff television.

Yorke said: “I was recently driven through Whitechapel with the windows rolled up and the doors locked and I can honestly say that I’d have felt marginally safer running through Longleat Safari Park wearing beef pants.

“It’s hard to imagine that the fey prickland of Shoreditch is just up the road – it’s like finding out the 100 Acre Wood borders the forest out of Deliverance – but if I was Boris Johnson I’d wall up the whole area, fire a piano full of eels over every few weeks and leave them to it.”

Cocknologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Cockney manages to pack the self-mythologising of the Scouser, the inexplicable self-belief of the Yorkshireman and the explosively unpredictable propensity for violence of the Scotsman into a remarkably scrawny frame.

“Anybody displaying the doe-eyed sentimentality that Shane Richie does within the sound of Bow Bells would be rapidly kicked to death and eaten after being doused in a liquor which is a curious mix of wallpaper paste, astroturf and semen.”

Another show affected by the new drive toward realism is Countryfile, which will return in the autumn as Fighting, Farming and Fucking.

Producer Martin Bishop said: “We’ve just finished filming a bit with John Craven where he gets proper fucked up on scrumpy and cheap speed before overturning his pimped up Clio into a hedge and pegging it before the rozzers arrive.”


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Jamie Oliver re-brands bacteria as 'Funky Coli'

THE microbes present in TV chef Jamie Oliver’s restaurant kitchens are cool and laid-back, it was claimed last night.

Food hygiene operatives visiting Jamie’s Gammon Tongue eateries had expressed concerns about the possible health effects  of ingredients getting sprayed with saliva whenever the chef tries to enunciate difficult vowel sounds.

But a spokesman for the chain claimed that all of Jamie’s micro-organisms were totally chilled out.

He said: “Our patented ‘Funky Coli’ are brilliant little geezers, sourced from Jamie’s bodily secretions, who are totally passionate about entering your digestive system.

“That is assuming they’re not off surfing in their microscopic VW camper vans, enjoying a Sneaker Pimps concert with their tiny demographically-diverse germy friends or performing a similarly on-brand hobby activity.

“We can thus assure customers that any vomiting or liquid diarrhoea induced by Funky Coli consumption is trendy.

“Also we are offering a range of official Jamie’s Nifty Barf Bags, ideal for storing your regurgitated stomach contents in an aspirational manner, at totally pukka prices.”

He added: “Jamie’s Gammon Tongue restaurants are all about delicious, locally sourced food, especially the sort purchased from a much beloved British institution and massive supermarket.

“There’s nothing like a big groovy monopoly to make everything really cool for chilled-out small farmers who just occasionally happen to accidentally shoot themselves.”