Ed Sheeran Grammy snub suggests world stepping back from brink of madness

THE decision not to give Ed Sheeran a music award could be the dawning of a new age of human sanity, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers believe that Sheeran’s lack of Grammy nominations is a small but vital step in terms of evolutionary development that will steer humanity away from its recent course of absolute batshit craziness.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Much like a frog that stays in increasingly hot water until it is boiled alive, the world has become mental at such a slow pace that we have come to accept as normal that a bland munchkin such as Ed Sheeran could be an award-winning sex symbol.

“However, there are clearly some enlightened minds at the Grammy’s, as they have realised that lauding the person who inflicted Galway Girl on the world will only further stoke the fires of our collective lunacy.

“In a world that faces multiple, self-inflicted threats from ridiculous things that have somehow come to be acceptable, this is merely a drop in the ocean. But we must recognise these small victories as stepping stones to a less wackjob bananas global civilisation.

“Well done, humanity. You may yet save yourselves.”

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Just remember who's the real f**king princess here, by Kate Middleton

LET’S be very clear about this, Meghan. I am a princess. You are not.

Congratulations on joining the Firm. Harry’s so lovely and funny that one almost forgets he’s a ginger.

I’m sure you’ll enjoy being a dukette or lady baron or whatever delightful thing they’ll call you. There are lots of perks to this ‘lower-tier’ type of title, such as never needing to pre-book at Carluccio’s and 20 per cent off at Odeon cinemas.

But I just wanted to avoid any misunderstanding about who is the actual princess in this situation. Yes, technically I may still be a duchess but ask anyone who ever wanted a fete opened or a potato picture painted with a random group of povvo kids, and they’ll tell you I am (Fairytale) Princess Kate.

That’s right, bitch.

I’m sure you and I will be the best of friends, assuming the proper protocol is observed. This may include complimenting my hair on a half-hourly basis, not eating carbs within 200 yards of my presence and submitting your mobile telephone for regular ‘anti-Kate propaganda screening’.

Sometimes people who don’t get along with me have accidents, like at school when Gemma Carpenter-Price somehow fell out of the Dorm B window and couldn’t have solid food for a month. That was unfortunate but I don’t anticipate any such problems between us. Do you?

No. Good.