DUBSTEP – the music that sounds like a fat horse falling down a well – never occurred, everyone has agreed.
Music record-keeping, starting from the earliest cave paintings of man making sounds using a hollow log, shows a blank space between ‘drum ‘n’ bass’ and yesterday.
Alphabetical record shop sections go from ‘disco’ to ‘electro’, because there is not and never was anything to go between them.
Meanwhile, brightly coloured posters for warehouse parties were actually advertising golf sales.
Account manager Nikki Hollis said: “From around 2008 to 2012 me and my mates used to have the most mental nights out just doing nothing, absolutely nothing. There was no music, and if there was then I can’t remember it.
“Nobody used to do that shitty hunched-over dancing to three hours of aeroplane noises. And we definitely never said the phrase ‘sick drop’.”