Everyone agrees to pretend dubstep didn't happen

DUBSTEP – the music that sounds like a fat horse falling down a well – never occurred, everyone has agreed.

Music record-keeping, starting from the earliest cave paintings of man making sounds using a hollow log, shows a blank space between ‘drum ‘n’ bass’ and yesterday.

Alphabetical record shop sections go from ‘disco’ to ‘electro’, because there is not and never was anything to go between them.

Meanwhile, brightly coloured posters for warehouse parties were actually advertising golf sales.

Account manager Nikki Hollis said: “From around 2008 to 2012 me and my mates used to have the most mental nights out just doing nothing, absolutely nothing. There was no music, and if there was then I can’t remember it.

“Nobody used to do that shitty hunched-over dancing to three hours of aeroplane noises. And we definitely never said the phrase ‘sick drop’.”

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'Cosplay not just fancy dress' says man dressed as Chewbacca or maybe some kind of hairy elf


A MAN who spends his weekends dressing up as some sort of sci-fi chipmunk creature has defended the practice.

So-called ‘cosplay’ originated in Japan and has been adopted by people who get passionate about the difference between orcs and elves. Enthusiasts spend days getting subtle character traits and costumes just right, then meet up to criticise each other’s efforts.

Speaking from inside a costume that could be from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings or even Labyrinth, Stephen Malley said: “Just because I get all the clothes out of a big box with ‘Dressing Up’ written on it, doesn’t mean this isn’t a proper hobby.

“This wig cost more than my entire collection of ornate swords.”

He added: “Spending loads of time and money trying to look exactly like something else is an expression of originality.

“Cosplay is not just putting on a costume and playing, even though the word is a portmanteau of ‘costumes’ and ‘playing’.”