Family Guy, and other TV shows that are somehow still f**king going

YOU watched it, you quit, you assumed it had been cancelled years ago but somehow that TV show’s still limping on. These five should be put out of their misery: 

The Walking Dead

Like the zombies that are still lurching from every dark corner despite a decade of zombie killers offing 60 a week, this shit refuses to lie down. There are even spin-offs, proving the zombie plague continues to spread. Soon every show will be infected and even Grand Designs will feature Kevin casually decapitating the undead with a spade.

Grey’s Anatomy

In its seventeenth series, this glam US Casualty is still bizarrely popular, despite the cast changing more frequently than a geriatric’s bedpan. Has been going so long that it was the show that made Snow Patrol popular, a time which few now living can remember.

The Simpsons

Once a tightly-scripted comedy with some of the best characters on telly, you were a child then. A child who only saw it when your mate lent you videos he’d done off Sky. Continues as a vehicle for celebrity guest stars and treatises on topics that trended on Twitter 18 months earlier.

The Handmaid’s Tale

As if one series of public hangings and dark-wood furniture wasn’t enough, greedy producers have jumped the shark by making Atwood’s resonant GCSE English favourite into an endless, doleful drama. Anyone still watching it is just into eye-gougings.

Family Guy

Mock if you like, but this woeful animation performs a valuable public service. If it weren’t for their desperate need to chuckle at every single one of the 200 pop culture references per episode it has instead of jokes, a generation of dads would be completely out of touch with the world. It’s their lifeline.

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I concede I am thinning slightly on top, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has conceded that his hair is very slightly thinning on top, but that he will turn the tide with Regaine. 

The concession has shocked millions of Americans who firmly believed that Trump had the thickest head of hair in the nation and who have urged him never to give in to male pattern baldness.

The admission came through official sources, who were forced to admit that the luxuriantly-coiffed head of state had suffered a loss of hirsuteness while Trump tweeted ‘IT IS AS ABUNDANT AND VIGOROUS AS THE HAIR OF JASON MOMOA!’

Sophie Rodriguez of Michigan said: “It’s been obvious for some time that Trump was receding. Yes, the follicle counts by the mainstream media are biased, but official counts have now been certified and he’s losing it.”

But Trump supporter Josh Hudson of Kentucky said: “Fake news, bitch. Sure, in certain levels of harsh artificial light his scalp might be visible, but guess who controls the lighting? Bill Gates. And the Jews.

“If Trump’s hair is thinning, what else could be true? What if all those claims about him being a vain, moronic f**khead are accurate? What if Covid wasn’t just an election hoax by the Democrats? What if that’s why he always wears a hat?

“No. We must put all our faith in this Regaine effort. I personally am donating a hundred dollars. We can make his hair great again.”