The dad's guide to hoarding a load of crap

ARE you a dad? Is all that stuff important, easily fixed, or you’ll need it the week after you throw it away? Follow these hoarding tips: 

Screws and nails are more precious than jewels and gold

Keeping a vast stockpile of screws and nails, displayed to their best advantage in dusty jam jars, is vital. Some of them date back 50 years. Not just aesthetically pleasing but useful if you need to build a bookcase, another shed, or a life-size wooden model of the entire world.

Guard your treasures jealously

Don’t take any crap from your wife about it being ‘pointless’ hanging on to a Fisher Price treehouse playset with half the bits missing when all your kids are grown adults living abroad. If she has an unplanned pregnancy that’s 35 quid saved.

Old magazines constitute an archive

The burning of the Library of Alexandria set the world back centuries, and throwing away your stack of Sunday Times magazines would be even worse. Who knows when the world will call on you demanding to read that cover interview with Jarvis Cocker from 1996?

Remember your magical dad repair skills

Nothing is too knackered to be discarded. And despite having no training as an engineer, you are able to repair anything from hair tongs to a DVD player, or at least strip it for parts. The only reason you haven’t is that you’ve been busy thinking about fixing that broken strimmer for five years.

Render parts of your home inaccessible

If you can freely move around your loft or spare room and there’s space for something useful like a home gym, you’re doing it wrong. It should be impossible to get in without first removing boxloads of total crap such as a single bike stabiliser, a beige computer monitor or a set of dowelling rods you have no memory of ever needing.

Misunderstand sentimental value

Might your grown-up daughter like to be reunited with her favourite childhood teddy? Unlikely, so he can go on the bonfire. However doggedly keep old taps, as if having your sink fixed in 2005 is a joyful memory.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five interview questions there are no good answers to

JOB interviews are a humiliating parade of lies on all sides, but these questions can’t be answered without leaving you feeling small, ashamed and unemployed: 

Tell us a little bit about yourself

This invitation to puff yourself up like an exotic bird in mating season is purely to entertain the interviewers. As you sell out by claiming every step of your life so far has been leading up to this shining moment, across the desk they’re all writing ‘twat’ on a notepad.

Can you describe your proudest moment? 

Forget your real achievements: shoplifting from Harrods, completing Halo: Reach on Legendary, a thoroughly successful threesome. Instead bathe in craven shame as you describe inheriting a much-loved colleague’s unpaid duties as the greatest moment of your life.

How do you handle stress?

Even after omitting everything you actually do when you’re stressed – drink, binge-eat, cry or take out your anger on someone completely undeserving – your answer will still be shit. You’ll say you make bullet-pointed lists. Anyone who ever loved you will feel a wince in their heart as your soul dies.

What would you say is your biggest weakness? 

Lateness? Laziness? Gross incompetence? Misappropriation of funds? All honest, all wrong. ‘I can be too much of a perfectionist’ has been done. ‘I push myself too hard’ is patently bullshit. Go with ‘I need to breathe oxygen to live’ and let them accuse you of lying.

Why are you leaving your current job? And will you be repeating the same sort of betrayal once you’re successful in this role?

Skirting over the disciplinary measures taken against you at your last job is a safe bet, but the ensuing eye-watering plea about your lifelong desire to find fulfilment as a procurement manager for a corporate stationery distributor won’t help you live with yourself either.