Festivalgoers warned only to consume corporate-sponsored drugs

7th June 2024

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Festivalgoers are being urged to stick to corporate-branded narcotics at upcoming events including Manchester’s The Big Mong, Escape to the Former Trading Estate and Gurnfest.

A spokesman for promoters Beaufoy Industrial Ventures (Guernsey) plc, trading as F**ktheMan Ltd, said: “Deals with major importers mean we can provide all attendees with high-quality recreational drugs so they can be ripped to the tits in a safe, branded environment.

“Pills manufactured by ethical smoothie company Friendly Cow contain 5655mg of MDMA, just enough to make Four Tet’s bollocks seem really chilled and groovy.

“Inevitably there will be rogue individuals selling unofficial drugs, perhaps bearing the logos of companies not directly associated with the festival, perhaps more cheaply than at official suppliers.

“Be warned – these illicit pushers do not care about the corporate values of the companies their drugs are promoting, or whether they are consistent with the event’s overall brand identity. They will also make you have a massive anal haemorrhage in front of attractive girls.”

49-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I’m taking my teenage daughters to Gurnfest this year, and it’s reassuring to know our drugs have a compelling marketing narrative.

“I do worry that it demonstrates the creeping corporatisation of music and degrades the experience of a shared response to art in a communal environment. But if I can get totally monkeyed I don’t give a f**k.”

Why is it here? What did we do wrong? The US guide to the US-hosted Cricket World Cup

7th June 2024

THE USA is co-hosting a Cricket World Cup the average American knows f**k all about. Here’s a guide to the perplexing, tedious sport so beloved of British people:

Why the USA?

Who knows? Staging a global sports tournament in a country generally believed to be shit at it with no historically associated success is like Wales holding the World Cup of soccer, as Americans persist in calling it. The Cricket World Cup is being co-hosted by the West Indies and they are brilliant at cricket, so maybe the US team have picked up some extra skills by osmosis.

What are the rules?

One team hurls a ball at wooden sticks called stumps, while the other tries to hit it as far as they can. Players scuttle up and down the pitch to accumulate ‘runs’, and the team with the most runs at the end wins. It’s essentially baseball, but the pitch is a different shape and, because it was invented by the British, successes are rewarded with a restrained round of applause rather than a high school marching band performance with fireworks, which is what Americans seem to enjoy.

What is the terminology?

Absolutely mental, is what the terminology is. Americans should prepare themselves to hear about ducks, blobs, googlies, bunsens, dibbly dobblies, silly midwickets and all sorts of other nonsense obviously invented by a bunch of giggling English school boys with too much time on their hands. The commentary might as well be in Klingon, for all the understanding the average viewer will have of it.

What do the players wear?

British sports rarely require any special equipment, not even rugby where you could legitimately get your head squished by being jumped on by several huge men running very fast. But cricketers wear a helmet, pads that go from ankle to knee, and a slightly odd contraption called a box, which is a safety device that protects your privates from flying cricket balls but looks a bit kinky. They could surely have invented trousers with extra crotch padding by now, but the Brits love tradition, especially when it’s a bit weird.

Will there be any controversy?

It’s highly unlikely. Cricket is a very polite and quiet sport, associated with village greens, match teas, and your dad nodding off in front of the telly while the test match gently murmurs away in the background. The only controversy associated with cricket is ‘sledging’, which is essentially where the players gently bitch at each other like secondary school girls. It’s hardly The Rumble in the Jungle.

Who will win it?

It seemed unlikely at the beginning, but the US is doing surprisingly well, beating former champions Pakistan. Expect them to soon become the best in the world and completely take over cricket, introducing their own weird sporting traditions such as tailgate parties, cheerleaders and performances from Rihanna between overs. All of which would be a huge improvement.