Five adverts people got stupidly excited about in the 80s

THE sad passing of Nick Kamen has caused much nostalgia for his famous jeans advert. Here are the ads of the era that everyone got ridiculously obsessed with. 

The Levi’s 501 ad

Stylish but not without issues. Firstly: putting rocks in the washing machine. Nick may be handsome, but machinery belonging to a small independent business is not his to break. Secondly: stripping down to his pants. The advert becomes a lot less cool if Nick’s only clothes are a single t-shirt and one pair of trousers. 

Castlemaine XXXX

How we fell in love with these adverts where they said ‘XXXX’ instead of the forbidden word for copulation. They were actually genuinely funny little sketches, marred only by the fact that the lager was absolute rat’s piss.

The Gold Blend couple 

Two yuppie-type wankers flirted in a dysfunctional way over instant coffee like androids. The casting was surprisingly top-end, with Anthony Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Sharon Maughan (RADA stalwart). It was like casting Patrick Stewart and Cate Blanchett in an advert for White Lightning.

Shake n’Vac

A chilling portent of ultra-cynical, annoying adverts to come. It’s possible the makers thought ‘You do the shake and vac and put the freshness back’ was just a fun ditty. More likely they realised that annoying the f**k out of people with this horrible earworm would have them reaching for the Shake n’Vac like Pavlov’s dogs.

Milk Tray

All because the lady loves… a stalker? Why was a Poundland James Bond constantly delivering crap milk chocolates? Did he have special forces training? Would she have preferred some classier dark chocolates? Did they know each other or was she scared? So many important questions remain unanswered. 


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How your vote won't count today

OFF to the polling station today with a strong suspicion it won’t improve things in the slightest? Here’s why you are probably right to be cynical.

Total idiots will be voting

You’ve studied the issues. You’ve given it thought. You may even know the candidates’ names. But your next-door neighbour will instantly cancel out your vote by voting Tory because he’s imagined that the next James Bond will be gay.

Wasted votes

Most of the votes in England and Wales are first-past-the-post. So if you want to vote for a party or a candidate that isn’t one of the main contenders, save yourself some time by making your own pretend ballot paper and putting it straight in the bin.

They’re local elections, for f**k’s sake

People will vote on national issues, not what local government actually does, and Boris Johnson will not be losing sleep over Obscureby-on-the-Wold district council turning Lib Dem. It’s even unfair on hardworking Tory councillors battling dog mess and potholes who get booted out because of Carrie’s wallpaper choices.

The Brexit juggernaut

In the Hartlepool by-election it’s clear that Brexit is all that matters to many voters. While this state of affairs persists politics in general may as well be be put on hold, because they’d vote for Pol Pot or a potato if they promised to ‘get Brexit done’.

You might be able to vote for a pointless mayor 

‘I can’t wait to vote for our metropolitan mayor!’ is not a phrase you’re likely to have heard down the pub. Crime commissioners are another voting opportunity, although it’s hard not to think, ‘Maybe we should just have more police?’

The government doesn’t give a shit

Even quite important results, such as another huge victory for the SNP, will be ignored. There could be nightly riots across Scotland and Boris Johnson would just be doing his usual Mr Benn dressing-up as a lab technician or a fishmonger the next day.