Five bands that refuse to reform just to spite you

ICONIC bands could make millions by reforming for one night only. Yet these five refuse to, just to piss you off.


The Swedish pop gods haven’t gigged for 40 years. Not that they need to because their back catalogue must still be supplying them with a steady fortune. Yes, they recently released some new music, but watching it performed by lame excuses for holograms isn’t the same. The closest most people will get is seeing Pierce Brosnan butcher SOS in Mamma Mia.

The Jam 

Paul Weller and the other two split in 1982. This means a triumphant reunion gig at Wembley Stadium is long overdue. They’d need to keep the roof well open throughout though. The crowd of middle-aged men wearing Fred Perry shirts chanting along to Going Underground would produce so many farts that an indoor gig would be uninhabitable for human life.

The Spice Girls

The full line-up hasn’t performed together since the London Olympics, not that anyone remembers because the Queen upstaged them by jumping out of a plane. Blame Victoria Beckham for letting down fans, she’s apparently too busy teaching her son to make moronic career moves. Admittedly her vocals were usually buried in the mix, but it’s the principle that counts.

The Smiths

A Smiths reunion would go against the spirit of the band. They never wanted you to be happy, which is why they released so many mournful dirges. Disappointing you by failing to perform again is their crowning achievement, the very essence of what they were trying to achieve musically, plus no amount of money could force Morrissey and Johnny Marr to step on stage together again.


It’s never going to happen. As much as the Gallagher brothers hate each other – which they do, very much – they hate their adoring public more. The return of Blur this summer only makes their absence more conspicuous and infuriating, much to their delight. At this rate people will have to feign excitement about The Verve reuniting instead.

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Spark restored to relationship with cocaine

A COUPLE have brought the thrill back to their relationship, both in and out of the bedroom, with the judicious purchase of a gram of cocaine.

Ryan Whittaker and Hannah Tomlinson admitted they had fallen into a weekend wine-and-movies rut before enlivening their evenings with nothing more than a class A substance.

Hannah said: “We got it for a friend’s party. That got cancelled so we thought we’d save it for a special occasion, but last Friday I turned to Ryan and said ‘How about now?’

“And honestly, the effect was amazing. We suddenly had so much more to say to each other and it was all so fascinating. Ryan was breathlessly unfolding this story about work and I was agog.

“Instead of yawning off to bed at half-eleven we’re still up chatting at 2am, just loving each other’s company like when we first got together. That energy’s back and it’s incredible.

“And when we go to bed it isn’t to sleep. We’re all over each other and going at it hard, not half-heartedly. There’s so much more excitement and passion and the orgasms are next-level. Who knew that such a little thing could make such a huge difference?”

Whittaker agreed: “I think this could be the secret to long-term relationship happiness. I can’t see any way it could go wrong.”