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Ingrown toenails, and other humorous illness that are actually truly horrible

SOME illnesses have a funny reputation despite being truly nightmarish. Getting any of these will wipe the smile from your face.

Ingrown toenails

It’s not until you’re in agony that you realise you actually use your feet quite a lot, like to walk to the GP and get this embarrassing problem diagnosed. You can’t turn to your friends for sympathy either. They’ll laugh at you because you’ve got a pus-filled big toe and can’t wear flip flops. Consider getting better friends when you’re well again.

Piles

Haemorrhoids are a classic punchline, but they transform any toilet cubicle into your own personal torture chamber. They’re itchy, painful and embarrassing, and yet you know no one’s setting up a charity and doing a sponsored swim on your behalf. You would break this cycle but you’re too self-conscious. It’s easier to suffer in silence.

Gout

When you bring up gout people immediately imagine a fat medieval king who sits on his arse eating turkey legs all day. Never mind trying to explain to them that it’s actually something that runs in the family and is horribly, horribly painful. And you don’t even have a throne, which adds insult to injury.

Eczema

Eczema sounds like the kind of illness a toddler might have, hence why most people can’t take it seriously. No matter your age though, flare-ups mean cracked, bleeding skin and the need to buy endless, useless creams and ointments to try and fix it. Not really laugh-a-minute stuff.

Gonorrhoea

Finding out a friend has an STI is hilarious, especially if it’s your friend Martin who really had it coming. But then one day you wake up and go for a wee which feels like Satan is squeezing your urethra. Feel bad for Martin, now? Maybe sleeping with him wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had.

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Superhero, WW2, Shouting: The six movie genres for men

MEN are more discerning filmgoers than women, demanding only the most thought-provoking explosions and car chases. Here are the definitely-not-predictable ways Hollywood thinks it can grab you.

Superhero

Fine for adults as superhero movies now are grittier and darker. Literally. Sometimes you can’t see a f**cking thing. But you can hear about how Superman ‘can’t save everyone’. Luckily there’s still Gal Gadot looking nice if you didn’t pay 14 quid for a lesson in basic moral philosophy.

Guns

From hitmen to sci-fi, guns films come in many different flavours. But all are extremely realistic. Bullets can be flying everywhere, but the hero is thankfully safe due to crouching behind a wooden crate and wearing effective plot armour. Will he survive to win the love of Lady in Tight Vest, or will a stray .45 calibre round cut him in half like in real life? Who knows? It’s so exciting.

World War 2

Not to be confused with guns, World War 2 lets you learn about history, although films like Fury suggest historical accuracy has dropped somewhat since epics like A Bridge Too Far. Still, it’s an important topic. The Nazis did some terrible things we must never forget, like trying to hang Indiana Jones because he’d got the time-travel dial of Archimedes.

Shouting

Often the result of a 40-something’s bid for the Best Actor Oscar – and his chances go up with every banged table, thrown glass and fleck of spit hurtling toward his co-stars. Or sometimes it’s the result of a film being heavily action-oriented, so every line of dialogue is ‘Get down!’, ‘Three minutes and the whole place blows!’ and ‘Drive!’. Gripping.

Subtitles

You might not be a stereotypical man. You might be an individual, as proven by your tote bag and painted fingernails all the other individuals have. Try a subtitles film. Chinese villagers worrying about their goat is really interesting, honestly. Also quite a few are just eyeball-ripping horror films, but they’re artistic because they’re in Dutch.

Quentin Tarantino

Whatever he shits out next. Sometimes he doesn’t even bother making a proper movie, just copies bits of Bruce Lee films and 70s exploitation toss. He’s a genius.

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