ARE you a legend in the bedroom or – implausible as it sounds – could she be faking it? Find out by taking our quiz.
Who usually initiates sex?
A) Her. A lot. My penis is being worn down to a stump and it’s really knackering. But I guess I’ll just have to live with it, as I point out frequently with annoying false modesty.
B) Me. Generally unsuccessfully, but that’s only because my partner gets a lot of headaches. Sometimes as many as seven a week and two extra ones on weekend mornings.
How long does she take to climax?
A) A good 20 minutes or so, but when she does it’s actually quite impressive. It’s like the sex scenes in Showgirls, but not painfully embarrassing.
B) Always within five minutes. Which is fine by me, because that’s my limit before crashing my own custard truck. I guess I’m just so good she can’t control herself.
Is she vocal?
A) Strictly at the point of orgasm, but then she really lets rip. And sometimes in the heat of climax she gets my name wrong, but that’s understandable. I suppose Gary does sound very similar to Antonio.
B) Very. She screams constantly during sex like Ingrid Pitt in a vampire film. There’s no way a woman could fake that.
What does she do immediately afterwards?
A) She lies there for ages bathing in the post-coital afterglow. We often just fall asleep in each other’s arms. It’s so romantic.
B) Jumps straight up, grabs her knickers and gets a mug of cocoa from the kitchen. Somehow she always manages to be fully dressed and settled just in time for Bridgerton.
Mostly As. Congratulations – she not a faker! Though there’s a good chance she’s thinking of someone else. Most likely that hot IT guy at work. Don’t worry though – he’s out of her league and you’re an acceptable stunt double.
Mostly Bs. Oh dear. She’s faking just to get it over and done with. It turns out you’re not actually a skilful lover as you thought. Learn some new techniques to keep her satisfied in bed, like taking some dark chocolate HobNobs or finding a podcast she’ll like.
