Is your girlfriend faking her orgasms? Take our fun quiz

ARE you a legend in the bedroom or – implausible as it sounds – could she be faking it? Find out by taking our quiz.

Who usually initiates sex?

A) Her. A lot. My penis is being worn down to a stump and it’s really knackering. But I guess I’ll just have to live with it, as I point out frequently with annoying false modesty.

B) Me. Generally unsuccessfully, but that’s only because my partner gets a lot of headaches. Sometimes as many as seven a week and two extra ones on weekend mornings.

How long does she take to climax?

A) A good 20 minutes or so, but when she does it’s actually quite impressive. It’s like the sex scenes in Showgirls, but not painfully embarrassing.

B) Always within five minutes. Which is fine by me, because that’s my limit before crashing my own custard truck. I guess I’m just so good she can’t control herself.

Is she vocal?

A) Strictly at the point of orgasm, but then she really lets rip. And sometimes in the heat of climax she gets my name wrong, but that’s understandable. I suppose Gary does sound very similar to Antonio.

B) Very. She screams constantly during sex like Ingrid Pitt in a vampire film. There’s no way a woman could fake that. 

What does she do immediately afterwards?

A) She lies there for ages bathing in the post-coital afterglow. We often just fall asleep in each other’s arms. It’s so romantic.

B) Jumps straight up, grabs her knickers and gets a mug of cocoa from the kitchen. Somehow she always manages to be fully dressed and settled just in time for Bridgerton

Mostly As. Congratulations – she not a faker! Though there’s a good chance she’s thinking of someone else. Most likely that hot IT guy at work. Don’t worry though – he’s out of her league and you’re an acceptable stunt double.

Mostly Bs. Oh dear. She’s faking just to get it over and done with. It turns out you’re not actually a skilful lover as you thought. Learn some new techniques to keep her satisfied in bed, like taking some dark chocolate HobNobs or finding a podcast she’ll like.

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The gammon's guide to denying global boiling while it's happening

WANT to ignore the world boiling in front of your eyes for no reason other than pure reactionary spite? Expert-hater Roy Hobbs shares his tips. 

Doubt the science

Who’s telling us the world has entered a new age of global boiling? Woke scientists and politically correct pencil-pushers at the UN. That means it’s part of a baffling political agenda to make straight white men like me slightly worse off. But I can combat their so-called ‘empirical data’ with something much more powerful: what Brian says in the pub.

Point out that it’s chucking it down here

Southern Europe is ablaze, or so the establishment says. But how can that be the case when Britain has had the wettest July on record? Those two unrelated facts don’t add up, which means the whole global boiling theory is bullshit. Explain two different things happening at the same time, leftie scientists! Oh, you can’t. What a surprise.

Sneer at protestors

Look at those jobless Just Stop Oil crusties. Blocking roads and ruining tennis matches. But all that awareness-raising didn’t stop global boiling*, did it? Now I think I’ll pretend this is much funnier than it is, like every f**king gammon online. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I love to drink the tears of tofu-munching greenies! That’s told them.

*Not that I believe in it, of course.

Get your information from weird places

The mainstream media is saying that global boiling is real, but they’ve got a track record of being wrong about things I’m uneducated about. I prefer to reinforce my ill-informed hunches with the equally deranged opinions of online strangers. With a controversial topic like climate change, there’s only one way to be sure the information you’re getting is reliable: look for people with lots of Union Jacks in their Twitter name.

If in doubt, blame foreigners

If global boiling does exist foreigners are definitely to blame somehow. Small boats probably have a massive carbon footprint, and jetting them off to Rwanda, which is entirely their fault, can’t be good for the environment either. Also, foreigners eat a lot of hot food like curries. That’s probably the real cause of ‘global boiling’ but everyone’s too woke to admit it.