Five classic rock albums that make you wonder 'was I conceived to this?'

EVER put on a classic album and wondered if your parents used it as their sex soundtrack one fateful night? Now you will: 

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, 1977

Your mum’s still got the original vinyl and plays it wistfully, her eyes wet with nostalgia and regret. The bitter divisions within the band birthed their greatest album and perhaps also, inadvertently, you. Since you began to suspect you can’t help find You Make Loving Fun and Don’t Stop somewhat triggering.

Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys, 1966

The 60s were a time of wild experimentation, musically and sexually, and the way your dad talks about this album as the high point of the decade leads you to believe he experimented with not using contraception shortly after its release. God only knows, eh?

Blue by Joni Mitchell, 1971

Parents hint about their hippy past before they settled down and got a semi-detached in Stevenage? There’s every chance Joni serenaded them while they christened the bedroom of their Barratt home. What an honour to be conceived to a groundbreaking woman artist. Maybe that’s where your half-hearted when-it-suits-you feminism stems from.

Abbey Road by The Beatles, 1969

Come Together is an undeniably sexy song, though an infrequent occurrence. You’ve sort of accepted that your septuagenarian parents got it on to this at one point. What keeps you up at night is the fear that you came into this world to the loathsome beat of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. 

What’s Going On by Marvin Gaye, 1971

Silken-voiced Marvin was the equivalent of dimming the lights and taking your bra off for Boomers, regardless of the album being about poverty, heroin and Vietnam. To your mum and dad it was no more than shagging music, the horny, hairy pair of swingers. They’d have done it to the Wurzels if nothing else was available. Which is how your younger sister was conceived.

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Britain suggests friends-with-benefits deal to EU

HAVING failed to enjoy the promiscuity it hoped after breaking up with the EU, Britain has suggested a friends-with-benefits relationship. 

With the world not as open to casual hookups as it had tricked itself into believing, Britain has sent a late-night text to the EU to see if it would be interested in a casual, no-strings-attached thing.

Britain said: “Let’s not put labels on it. Let’s keep it fun. No open borders or anything emotional like that. Just something we’d both enjoy, like your thing with Switzerland.

“I admit it’s harder out here as a single country than I remember it being in the 1970s. America doesn’t want to know, Australia f**ked me over, India’s keen but wants way too much commitment. And Ireland? Thinks it’s better than me. Like come on.

“You can still enjoy all that weird, kinky Schengen stuff, I’d get some hot single market action after a bit of a dry spell, if we establish some ground rules I choose to ignore I reckon this could be great for both of us. Let me know.”

After sending the message to everyone it knows with the crying laughing emoji, the EU replied: “Free movement or GTFO.”