Thursday, 13th May 2021

Five fictional men your wife secretly compares you to

MARRIED? Confident that you’re your wife’s dream man? You’ll never compete with these fictional hunks, and she knows it: 

Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

Even without Colin Firth in his big wet shirt, Mr Darcy represents everything the modern woman desires: a brooding, heroic, outdoorsy type who isn’t afraid to wear pantaloons. It’s a shame the only thing you and him have in common is that you both make £10,000 a year.

Aragorn from Lord of the Rings

Viggo Mortensen’s performance as Aragorn tricked thousands of women into watching fifteen hours of hobbits and ugly jewellery. Meanwhile, you can’t speak any foreign languages or ride a horse. When he says ‘my friends, you bow to no one’ at the end, he’s being ironic. You bow to him, because he’s a sexy king and you’re an IT manager.

Jack from Titanic

Leo gave up his spot on the door and froze to death so Kate Winslet would live. Meanwhile you refuse to get your fat arse off the sofa cushion so your wife can put her feet up. And to top it all off, you can’t draw for shit. You’re not Leonardo. You’re not even Billy Zane.

Don Draper from Mad Men

Alright, so you’re not a serial liar and haven’t committed identity theft, but nor are you a suave Sixties ad man who could pull that off. You don’t have the charisma to drink Scotch at your desk and smoke in meetings. You’d fall asleep by 3pm and wake up with a violent coughing fit.

Paddington from Paddington

He’s from Peru and he loves marmalade sandwiches, so ipso facto he’s a cultured foodie who puts your staid lifestyle to shame. There’s a reason they decided to have him voiced by Ben Whishaw – to maximise the P-man’s already potent sex appeal. Have you ridden a flood of passion downstairs that left your wife soaking but delighted? Didn’t think so.